Once upon a time, a family decided to go on a cruise.
Now, if this family had been alive to see the sinking of the Titanic, or any of the Carnival cruises fiascoes of the last decade, perhaps they would’ve chosen a different vacation. But alas, the family took this cruise years before any of these incidences occurred, so they went on a cruise.
Unfortunately, the cruise was steered off course, the crew abandoned ship, and the ship wrecked on an island!
A normal family would have panicked, but this family– the Slobinson family– was strange. In fact, many people thought that something was amiss with the family. Both the parents, Bill and Liz, and the children, Frizz, Ernie, Joe, and Frank, were huge slobs. But in addition to this, they craved adventure to an alarming degree. So, when the family crashed on the island, they were very excited– so excited, in fact, that Liz began to weep for joy.
The Slobinsons knew that this was the adventure of a lifetime. Not only did they have to forage for food for survival purposes, but they had no more social obligations to do laundry or take baths or eat with utensils!
Over the first few days of their being stranded, the family made feeble attempts to signal for help because they kind of thought it was the “thing to do.” Bill spelled out S.O.S on the sands of the beach using palm branches, but this was to little avail because, well, airplanes didn’t exist yet. Liz wrote a message signaling for help, put it in a bottle, and set it out to sea, but this probably wouldn’t yield any help because she had neglected to put a cork in the bottle. The boys put trash in the ocean thinking that the EPA might find out and come to arrest them, but forgot that there was no such thing as the EPA yet and nobody thought about sustainability practices.
And so the family lived on the island, making it a place of their own. They built sloppy houses out of the steel and driftwood from the crashed cruise ship, weaved hammocks out of palm branches, and ate only salads made of grass because they were too lazy to find anything else. All in all, the family did pretty well for themselves. After almost a year of living on the island, they even got used to each others’ smell, so baths became entirely unnecessary.
Over time, the family adopted island animals as pets, including a little skunk named Nap– after the family’s favorite pastime. They really made the island home.
One day, the family was surprised to find a small girl, alone and crying in the forest on the island! Her family had wrecked on the island many years previous, but her parents died of an unknown sickness. She was left alone, but already knew how to fend for herself on the island. The Slobinsons didn’t know it, but the girl was crying not because she was afraid, but because the Slobinsons’ odor made her eyes water.
But the family decided to adopt the girl, whose name was Ima. So now, her name was Ima Slobinson. Unfortunate.
The family lived in peace for many years on the island, even in spite of the occasional stomach ache due to their all-grass diet, or skin irritation due to their lack of hygiene, and don’t get me started on how many times the family got head lice. But their existence was peaceful nonetheless.
However, about 10 years after the family crashed on the island, they spotted a ship. It was a rescue ship!
But they didn’t want to be rescued! They wanted to live in the filth of this island forever!
So, the sons and Ima searched through all of the stockpile of items they had kept on hand from the cruise ship. They had some flares and firecrackers which they thought would be perfect for firing at the ship!
The children, now grown men, also found matches in the stockpile which they had never used before because they never cooked anything.
All five of them fired off flares and firecrackers aimed at the ship, far off in the ocean. The problem was that this only made the stranded family more obvious– and the family looked as if they were actually signaling for help.
The ship came nearer and nearer to the island as the family ran out of ammunition. Oh no.
The Slobinsons realized what they had to do. They were freaks, but they realized that opposing help would look particularly freaky.
And so, the family boarded the ship, along with Ima. They looked longingly at the island which they had called home as it became just a small speck on the horizon.
And though the Slobinsons did not live the happily ever after they had hoped upon returning to society and its hygienic standards, they lived lives of hope just knowing that such an island existed on the face of the earth. A small slab of slob, drifting on the face of a vast ocean.