Showana

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Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a village on an island. Her name was Showana.

Showana had an adventurous spirit, but her parents and those in the village did not. You see, those on the island only believed in playing it safe and being completely boring. No one was allowed to leave the island, have fun on the island, tell jokes on the island, or even play on the island. All they were permitted to do was gather food and build shelters. It was SO boring.

Showana was next in line as village chief and her parents began training her to take over the task, but they struggled because all Showana wanted to do was show off! She wanted to sing and dance and make jokes, but this was strictly prohibited on the island.

But something strange happened. Soon, things all over the island stopped growing. The coconut trees stopped growing coconuts, the tall grasses were short, the ocean’s tides stopped rising, and none of the animals got bigger.

Showana’s grandmother, known far and wide as the village eccentric, told Showana that all of this was happening because the god of the island– Wowee– had stolen a piece of the island to be a showoff. This missing piece used to complete the island and make it fun for all. The island had been able to function without joy for a time, but after decades of lost happiness, the island could not grow and thrive.

She knew she must find Wowee and retrieve this piece of the island.

So, Showana sneaked off the island and began a voyage across the sea to Wowee. After fumbling around with the sails and navigating the boat because she had never been permitted on the sea before, Showana crashed conveniently on the exact island where Wowee lived!

Showana found Wowee and said to him, “Wowee, you’re coming with me to put my island back together or I’ll tell your mom!”

Well, it was the most convincing thing she could think to say.

Wowee refused to come with her, especially as he had actually LOST THE PIECE TO THE ISLAND LIKE A BIG IDIOT.

This was terrible news! Showana demanded that Wowee show her where he had lost the piece. Wowee agreed to take her, only because he knew that she’d probably die getting the piece.

He took her to the middle of the ocean and they both dove into the water. At the bottom of the ocean, was a giant pot! No, seriously, it was a literal pot with a bunch of sea creatures in it!

There were mollusks of all kinds, shrimp, octopuses, and squid. But, most notable of all, there was a giant oyster. The oyster saw Wowee and started freaking out because he knew Wowee was there to retrieve the piece of the island. There was no way he’d allow that to happen, though, because just having the piece made the oyster feel powerful. Basically, he was delusional.

But Showana wasn’t scared. True to her name, she challenged the oyster to a showdown.

That’s right: The two had a sing-off.

And, while the oyster was hitting one of his power notes, Showana saw the glimmer of the missing island piece in the oyster’s mouth! She swam into his mouth and snatched the piece.

The oyster became angry because Showana had tricked him! He began chanting a spell and the water got warmer… and warmer… and warmer. He was cooking them out of the ocean!

But the oyster was not very smart because as the pot reached the boiling point, Showana and Wowee had arms and legs to swim away while he did not. The pot of sea creatures became a pot of seafood in no time.

When Showana and Wowee reached the surface, Wowee realized that maybe there was more to Showana than he thought.

He agreed to go back to Showana’s island and put the piece back. After arriving on the island, Wowee soon found it was not going to be as easy as he thought. You see, the island was deteriorating at an alarming rate. He had to reach the heart of the island quickly before the heart itself crumbled into a giant sinkhole!

Wowee ran as fast as he could and Showana followed, but at the first sight of real danger, Wowee turned to Showana and said, “This is not cool. You take it from here. Honestly, there’s nothing at stake for me, so you really should have been doing this yourself all along.”

He wasn’t wrong.

But Showana knew that she could do this. It would be the ultimate show of skill and bravery! She ran through the jungle, dodging boulders and lava, raining fire and falling trees. Showana arrived at a cave and crept inside.

In the middle of the cave was a glowing hole where the island piece fit! Showana placed the piece and a bright light consumed the entire island!

When Showana emerged from the cave, the island was more beautiful than anything she had ever seen. The jungle was thriving, the sky was blue, the ocean glowed, and the villagers were smiling!

Everyone in her village was HAPPY! They were playing games and telling jokes, they were hugging one another and laughing.

Showana’s father told his daughter, “Showana, you are a brave and wonderful leader. Typically, you wouldn’t be the chief until I died, but you can obviously do a much better job than me even though you’re only 14. The throne is yours!”

So, Showana made Wowee the island’s director of entertainment, restored the spirit of fun on the island, and allowed the villagers to do whatever they wanted to do (which caused other problems down the road, but those aren’t important).

And so, Showana and her island were as happy as a clam forever after.

THE END.

The Amiss Family Slobinson

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Once upon a time, a family decided to go on a cruise.

Now, if this family had been alive to see the sinking of the Titanic, or any of the Carnival cruises fiascoes of the last decade, perhaps they would’ve chosen a different vacation. But alas, the family took this cruise years before any of these incidences occurred, so they went on a cruise.

Unfortunately, the cruise was steered off course, the crew abandoned ship, and the ship wrecked on an island!

A normal family would have panicked, but this family– the Slobinson family– was strange. In fact, many people thought that something was amiss with the family. Both the parents, Bill and Liz,  and the children, Frizz, Ernie, Joe, and Frank, were huge slobs. But in addition to this, they craved adventure to an alarming degree. So, when the family crashed on the island, they were very excited– so excited, in fact, that Liz began to weep for joy.

The Slobinsons knew that this was the adventure of a lifetime. Not only did they have to forage for food for survival purposes, but they had no more social obligations to do laundry or take baths or eat with utensils!

Over the first few days of their being stranded, the family made feeble attempts to signal for help because they kind of thought it was the “thing to do.” Bill spelled out S.O.S on the sands of the beach using palm branches, but this was to little avail because, well, airplanes didn’t exist yet. Liz wrote a message signaling for help, put it in a bottle, and set it out to sea, but this probably wouldn’t yield any help because she had neglected to put a cork in the bottle. The boys put trash in the ocean thinking that the EPA might find out and come to arrest them, but forgot that there was no such thing as the EPA yet and nobody thought about sustainability practices.

And so the family lived on the island, making it a place of their own. They built sloppy houses out of the steel and driftwood from the crashed cruise ship, weaved hammocks out of palm branches, and ate only salads made of grass because they were too lazy to find anything else. All in all, the family did pretty well for themselves. After almost a year of living on the island, they even got used to each others’ smell, so baths became entirely unnecessary.

Over time, the family adopted island animals as pets, including a little skunk named Nap– after the family’s favorite pastime. They really made the island home.

One day, the family was surprised to find a small girl, alone and crying in the forest on the island! Her family had wrecked on the island many years previous, but her parents died of an unknown sickness. She was left alone, but already knew how to fend for herself on the island. The Slobinsons didn’t know it, but the girl was crying not because she was afraid, but because the Slobinsons’ odor made her eyes water.

But the family decided to adopt the girl, whose name was Ima. So now, her name was Ima Slobinson. Unfortunate.

The family lived in peace for many years on the island, even in spite of the occasional stomach ache due to their all-grass diet, or skin irritation due to their lack of hygiene, and don’t get me started on how many times the family got head lice. But their existence was peaceful nonetheless.

However, about 10 years after the family crashed on the island, they spotted a ship. It was a rescue ship!

But they didn’t want to be rescued! They wanted to live in the filth of this island forever!

So, the sons and Ima searched through all of the stockpile of items they had kept on hand from the cruise ship. They had some flares and firecrackers which they thought would be perfect for firing at the ship!

The children, now grown men, also found matches in the stockpile which they had never used before because they never cooked anything.

All five of them fired off flares and firecrackers aimed at the ship, far off in the ocean. The problem was that this only made the stranded family more obvious– and the family looked as if they were actually signaling for help.

The ship came nearer and nearer to the island as the family ran out of ammunition. Oh no.

The Slobinsons realized what they had to do. They were freaks, but they realized that opposing help would look particularly freaky.

And so, the family boarded the ship, along with Ima. They looked longingly at the island which they had called home as it became just a small speck on the horizon.

And though the Slobinsons did not live the happily ever after they had hoped upon returning to society and its hygienic standards, they lived lives of hope just knowing that such an island existed on the face of the earth. A small slab of slob, drifting on the face of a vast ocean.

THE END.