Once upon a time, there was a boy named Clammy, poor little dear.
You see, Clammy had grown up in a family of people with notoriously clammy hands and he had, of course, inherited the trait. The only thing that made Clammy forget his problem was his kind and loving mother. Unfortunately, Clammy had to avoid other people very often because if ever he was caught in a situation in which he’d have to hold hands with someone, he’d freeze like a deer in the headlights. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you have clammy hands, people will comment on it and you will have to apologize for it which is altogether degrading and embarrassing.
Anyway, Clammy’s mother taught him all about life: How to avoid social contexts, how to always carry a handkerchief in his pocket to wipe off his hands before job interviews, how he should never touch glass, and how to open doors without his hands slipping off the doorknob.
But, as is often the case with stories (because a conflict must be introduced), Clammy’s mother met her demise. How, you ask? Well, she had gone to the grocery store to gather some food and her feet got so clammy that she sweated through her shoes and slipped and fell, bringing 4,000 cans of clam chowder down on top of her. Why the grocery store had 4,000 cans of one product displayed, the world will never know.
And so, Clammy was all alone. He began to take care of himself and tried to make friends. Eventually, he found friends who had similarly awkward quirks: Shower– who smelled all the time (also a hereditary issue he had no control over), and Dumper– who, well, let’s just say he lost control of his faculties if he got too nervous (also an issue over which he had no control). They were a motley crew, but they loved one another despite their respective issues.
As the three grew up, they became fast friends. They even all eventually found girlfriends who admired their positive attitudes in the face of so much misfortune. Clammy’s doe was especially kind and he even had to fight someone once because he wanted to date her! Luckily, clammy hands are especially good in a fight because if you hold your hands up to block your opponent, his fists will just slip right off your hands causing him to fall to the ground.
Clammy only wished he could give her more– that she could marry into a loving family as well.
That’s when it happened.
One day, Clammy heard a knock at his door. When he went to open it, there was a very tall, strong man standing before him. Something seemed familiar about the guy too, although Clammy couldn’t put his slippery finger on it…
The man said, “Clammy, I am your father. I know your mother didn’t tell you about me, but that is because I am the king.”
Wait a second.
Clammy hesitated, then responded, “A king? We don’t really have those here in the United States–”
“No, son,” the king responded, “You don’t understand. I am the CEO of ‘King of the Forest’– the local logging company. I just refer to myself as the king.”
This made sense.
But, how could Clammy’s father wield an ax, or even a chainsaw if he had clammy hands? Unless–
“Son,” the king continued, “I’ve come to tell you that your hands can be trained not to be clammy anymore. You can control your own fate, and I will be here to teach you.”
Could this be?
It could, and it was.
And, although the king never really explained to his son why he had abandoned him for so many years in the first place, Clammy, his father, and his family built a cabin in the woods and lived happily ever.