Mary Shoppins

cropped-umbrella.jpeg

Once upon a time, there were two children named Pain and Smile.

Pain and Smile were terrible children. They misbehaved themselves and disobeyed their parents regularly. Although, in their defense, their father was very strict and had unrealistic expectations. Furthermore, their mother was rarely around as she was often out protesting high ice cream prices– a worthy cause, true, but not an excuse to neglect her children.

As a result, the children’s father, Mr. Stinks, decided to place an ad for a nanny for the children. While the children thought it might be a good idea to lend their ideas for qualifications, they knew their father, well, STANK.

So, while Mr. Stinks placed his ad for a nanny in the newspaper, the children whispered their ad in the ear of a carrier pigeon because they were savvy enough to know that print media is dead anyway.

The next day, an array of very boring nannies showed up to the Stink household, but even Mr. Stink knew that these nannies would not be able to handle his children’s antics. He nearly gave up all hope, until he opened the door to see her: Mary Shoppins.

Mary Shoppins was wearing a bright red pencil skirt and blazer, ruffled shirt, and tasteful brimmed hat with a large feather sticking out of the top. Her black patent leather pumps clicked on wood floor as she made her way into the house.

“Well, Mr. Stinks,” she said matter-of-factly, “This will do. This will do just fine.”

“But you haven’t be hired yet Mrs.?–”

“Shoppins, sir.”

He should’ve guessed. She was very fashionable and held in her hand an oversized Saks Fifth Avenue bag.

“I’m qualified based on your advertisement Mr. Stinks. You said you wanted someone with whimsy, creativity, and a fashion sense.” Mrs. Shoppins handed Mr. Stinks a scrap of paper with notes transcribed on it.

Mr. Stinks took the paper and exclaimed, “This is not the ad I sent out! My ad said I was looking for a nanny who was stingy, with aggressivity, and common sense.”

But it looked as if Mr. Stinks had no choice. He was sick of interviews and figured this woman would quit her job soon enough.

Mary Shoppins went upstairs to meet Pain and Smile. They were both making a mess of their rooms and throwing things out the windows because they were looking for their parents’ love and affection.

Mary Shoppins knew this wouldn’t do. She set her shopping bag on the floor and dug through it to find… A roomba! This would certainly help clean up the mess. She continued to look through the bag and also pulled out a broom, a dustpan, and two hazmat suits. This was a magical shopping bag indeed.

The new nanny told the children that they must clean the entirety of the upstairs. They protested until she told them her secret: To eat a spoonful of sugar every time they cleaned up an item.

The time passed quickly and soon, the children went out to run errands with Mary. Mary Shoppins introduced the children to her longtime friend, Spurt. Spurt was so called because he went through a growth spurt every few years, which would force him to regularly change careers. He had started out as a stock car racer, changed to being a basketball star, and then changed to being a chimney sweep because he was basically half the size of a chimney anyway.

Spurt and Mary took the children to a museum and, maybe it was magic (or the fact that Pain and Smile ate at least 4 cups of sugar apiece), but the group JUMPED INTO A PAINTING of a carnival. They spent the entire day there– playing games, eating more junk food, and buying tons of stuffed animals. At the end of the day, they jumped out of the picture, exhausted and ready for bed.

The children had many adventures and, in most of these experiences, they ate junk food and shopped. But one day, Mary Shoppins spoke with Mr. Stinks:

“Sir, I’ve been taking care of your children and bribing them into good behavior with sugar and shopping– a method proven effective by millions of experts– but I think it’s time you looked after your children for a day.”

Mr. Stinks didn’t want to do this, but he knew that Mary Shoppins wouldn’t leave him alone until he took his children to work at the garbage plant. Yes, Mr. Stinks worked at a garbage plant. Surprising?

The next day, Pain and Smiles went to work with their father. It was a good thing they already had hazmat suits.

Unfortunately, as children often do, Pain and Smiles decided it would be more fun to make fun crafts out of the garbage at the plant than to sort it. For this, Mr. Stinks’ boss called him into his office.

“Stinks,” the boss grumbled, “You’ve been with the plant for as long as I can remember, but you’ve never brought your children into work. Unfortunately, I wish you had never brought your children to work with you. That is far too progressive, so I’m firing you. Children are annoying nuisances that deserve to be left with nannies only.”

And that’s when Mr. Stinks realized: He loved his children far more than he loved his job. Hey, his job stank.

Mr. Stinks ran out of the boss’ office and yelled to his children: “Come, youngsters! You and I are going to grab a bite!”

And so, the three met with their mother at the local ice cream parlor and grabbed a bite. From then on, the family stayed together and never needed a nanny again.

As for Mary Shoppins, she finally married Spurt already and still, to this day, nannies children whose parents neglect them and whose fashion needs a boost.

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END.

The IKEA Book

cropped-tiger-2195534_19202.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Googly.

Unfortunately, Googly had first-time parents who didn’t know how to raise a child, so one day, while they were visiting IKEA, they left Googly there by accident. The worst part was they didn’t even realize that they left him there until it was too late. Once they realized, they knew there was no point of even trying to find him because he was lost in IKEA for goodness sakes.

And so, Googly was left to fend for himself alone as a baby in the jungle– er, I mean, IKEA.

Soon, a store employee found Googly and decided to raise him as a resident of the store, for it is a well known truth that all employees of IKEA just live there and sleep there and eat there. And so, for most of his childhood, Googly was raised in the Sofa section of the store. The Sofa employees treated Googly as one of their own. Googly grew to be just as kind and as soft and as compassionate as any Sofa or employee in the Sofa section ever had been.

However, one day, one of the top-ranked employees at IKEA visited the Sofa section. He typically worked in the shipping department of the store and was so terrifying he had earned himself the name “Sheer Brawn.” Sheer Brawn had himself grown up in an IKEA with his family and had worked in every section of the store. He only now worked in the shipping department because he could lift an entire refrigerator with just his left arm.

Sheer Brawn walked into the Sofa section and sent a shudder throughout the entire floor as he snarled,

“So I hear you have a little apprentice here in the Sofa section?” Sheer Brawn growled, “When were you going to introduce him to me?”

The manager of the Sofas spoke up, “Sheer Brawn, I know that you mean harm to Googly, but he is one of us now. At this rate, he has all of the makings of the next IKEA CEO!”

“Nonsense!” Sheer Brawn yelled, “Googly doesn’t belong here. He is not one of us! He is just a man. And, when he’s grown, he will surely find that he is unable to compete with the likes of me.”

And with that threat looming in the air, Sheer Brawn took his lunch break.

Googly was scared and the Sofa employees didn’t know what to do. However, another employee– a Bagger– had been listening nearby.

Bagger was a loner. All he did was bag peoples’ belongings all day and, because he worked with customers most closely and frequently, he was perhaps the toughest of all of the IKEA employees.

Bagger stepped forward, “Sofa employees!” he said, “I will take the boy under my wing and teach him all there is to know about this store. I know all of the products inside and out. He can no longer relax in this cushy department of yours. He needs to learn how to fend for himself. And then, when he is ready, he can go back into the real world– with people.”

And so, Bagger taught Googly everything he knew about IKEA– product numbers, how to use the label machine, where to locate every measuring cup and teaspoon. It was grueling, but rewarding work.

But, one day, Googly met a friend– Igloo. Igloo worked at the IKEA slushy  stand and knew all about the fun places in the store. He and Googly would build blanket forts, eat all of the pretzels their hearts desired, and even have elevator races– all behind Bagger’s back. Igloo taught Googly all of the fun things about IKEA so that Googly never wanted to leave.

Bagger eventually found out about these escapades and reprimanded Googly,

“Googly! You are no longer allowed to spend so much time with Igloo and I’ve decided that you need to go  back where you belong immediately. You need to be with normal people.”

Googly did not like the idea of this and decided to run away one night and work at the slushy stand with Igloo permanently. However, after Googly used cherry syrup for a customer’s order instead of raspberry syrup, even Igloo realized that Googly didn’t belong in IKEA. When Igloo told Googly this, Googly became upset and ran far away– deep into the depths of the gardening department.

After escaping nearly being strangled by a garden hose, Googly decided that he was going to make his own way. He could totally fend for himself in IKEA. He didn’t need the help of Bagger or Igloo.

Just as he was hyping himself up, Googly heard a noise. It was the laughter of Funky– the manager of the ’70s furniture section.

Funky had always wanted to live amongst normal people, but couldn’t because normal people scoffed at the fact that he lived in the past. His decision to choose IKEA over people was a tortured one– so much so that he often acted crazy and people called him King Screwy. Then again, maybe his weird behavior was just the effects of living through the ’70s.

In any case, King Screwy found Googly and said to him, “Teach me how to be more like you and you can live here with me forever, man!”

This is not what Googly wanted. Besides, what did Googly know about being a normal person? He had never even seen the outside world!

King Screwy was about to get Googly his own ’70s inspired outfit as both Bagger and Igloo stumbled into the ’70s furniture section. They had come to save Googly!

They distracted King Screwy with a ’70s inspired shag carpet they snatched from the vintage section of the store, took Googly, and ran.

But little did the three know that they were running right into the shipping department where Sheer Brawn was lurking.

The shipping department was dark and cold and Googly got the willies just walking through it. Soon, he couldn’t see his own hand in front of his face– nor could he tell if he was still with Bagger and Igloo.

Then, he heard a loud THUD and a snarl behind him:

“Hello, Googly,” Sheer Brawn whispered, “You are all alone now. There’s no way you can make it out of the shipping department, back into the rest of the store. I’ll ship you to Timbuktu, where no IKEAs exist and no one will ever be able to find you!”

Googly yelled and began to run. Because he was so small and Sheer Brawn had terrible eyesight from working in the dark all the time, Googly was able to elude Sheer Brawn at the last second.

But Sheer Brawn bounded after Googly.

Bagger yelled through the darkness, “Run Googly! Run to the lighting department!”

Googly didn’t know why he had to run to this department, but Bagger had never steered him wrong before, so Googly leaped up three flights of stairs, through the kitchen section, over mattresses and bedframes, and down the window treatment aisles to the lighting section– Sheer Brawn trailing him all along.

The closer the two got to the lighting section, the brighter it got. Lights of all kinds shone brighter and brighter with each step– floor lamps, sconces, and lanterns pierced through even the natural illumination that poured in through the skylights.

It was too much for Sheer Brawn:

“Ah!!! My eyes!” he yelled, “They burn! How can you stand it?!”

And, in pain and agony, Sheer Brawn retreated back to the shipping department– crying all the while. Turns out, years of working in the darkness hadn’t turned his eyes into sheer brawn.

Bagger and Igloo were not far behind Googly. The three embraced. And, for the first time, Googly realized that he didn’t belong in IKEA, at least not in the way that Bagger, or Igloo, or even Sheer Brawn did. He belonged with normal people.

Bagger and Igloo walked Googly to the entrance of the store.

“Now, you make sure that you bring your family here to visit us one day,” Bagger said, with a tear in his eye.

“Yeah! You be sure to bring ’em right to the slushy stand! I’ll be sure to give them a discount,” Igloo laughed.

This was really it. Googly was leaving the place he had called home for nearly ten years– a big wide world of excitement and sales and furniture–  and he was stepping into the unknown.

And, so, Googly stepped out of IKEA, the automatic doors closing behind him, and  lived happily ever after.

THE END.

The Emperor’s New Clones

cropped-king-1841529_1920.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to be emperor. This was particularly convenient because he was in line for the throne.

The problem with this man was that, like many politicians, he was a fool and lazy and didn’t want to do work. So, when he finally became emperor, he decided to call all of his advisers for a meeting.

“I hate work!” the emperor yelled, “So, it is your job as my royal advisers to come up with a way for me not to have to do work!”

His advisers were confused, but decided to indulge the emperor nonetheless, possibly because he’d kill them otherwise.

One adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that, if he wanted to feel like he had less work to do, he could get an education beyond a second grade level. That way, hard work might seem easier with his newfound skills. The emperor, of course, despised this idea. What’s harder work than school?! Besides, the emperor had a third grade education. How dare this adviser assume otherwise. So, the emperor dismissed the adviser (and by “dismissed” I mean the adviser was beheaded).

The second adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that if he wanted to delegate his work to others, he could just have children. This way, his children and rightful heirs could do the work they would eventually inherit anyway. On the surface, this seemed like a good idea. Until, the emperor recalled the fact that there was no way he could win a wife because he was lazy, unmotivated, and didn’t like putting in the effort to talk to people (which is an important element of relationships, or so he was told). And so, the embarrassed and very alone emperor dismissed the adviser (and by “dismissed” I mean the adviser was sentenced to watching every season of The Bachelor ever made because he had insulted the emperor’s love life. A fate just as bitter as death).

The last adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that he could clone himself if he wanted someone else to do the work in the kingdom. The emperor didn’t think this idea was half bad. So, he funded the adviser’s research to develop cloning technology.

Once the adviser created the cloning technology, he told the emperor, “We are ready for you, your majesty. After today, you will never have to work again!”

And so, the emperor stepped into the cloning chamber. Soon, there were dozens of emperors wandering around the kingdom!

But what the emperor didn’t realize was that, in cloning himself, he was the ONLY person doing work in the kingdom!

That’s right– the emperor had to watch himself do work everywhere.

When he walked into the laundry room, he was the one washing his delicates.

When he ran past the kitchen, he was the one emptying the trash. .

When he went to the bathroom, he had to plunge his own toilet.

When he watched TV, he was the one giving his own speeches.

And in a few short weeks, he was the only one of himself who was STILL SINGLE.

The emperor couldn’t believe it. He was a laughingstock. Just imagine– going to the grocery store and seeing your emperor buying his own chicken for dinner! It was maddening.

But there was nothing the emperor could do now. Which, ironically, was just the way he liked it.

THE END.

The Plant and the Showstopper

grasshopper.jpeg

Once upon a time, there were two plants: One was a small sapling that had to work very hard to grow and photosynthesize. The other was a large and beautiful sunflower that could grow anywhere at any time and be enjoyed by all. Here a couple of visual aids:

See? The small sapling on the left is almost being RIDICULED by the beautiful flower on the right. Doesn’t it just make you want to cry?

So, while the little sapling struggled and toiled through the summer, nearly being torn from the ground by the mildest of thunderstorms, the sunflower grew and thrived. Even the gardener seemed to favor the sunflower, showing her off to anyone who visited his garden, “Isn’t she just a pretty little showstopper?” he would say, “My favorite flower!” he would smile.

This was just painful.

To add insult to injury, the sunflower would taunt the sapling as she waved in the wind, “What are you doing down there little sapling?” the sunflower would laugh, “Trying to put down roots? You’re probably just a little weed– all of your work is in vain!”

But the more the sunflower jeered, the harder the little sapling tried to grow. He would soak up the sun, absorb as much rain as he could, and even began to take resources from other nearby plants (which he didn’t feel great about, but he felt that he couldn’t help it).

The sunflower continued to grow almost effortlessly. She danced in the breeze and sprouted to almost 8 feet that summer. The sapling grew only a measly foot.

But one day, it began to get chilly. Winter was moving in and the sunflower began to wilt.

“Hey!” she yelled, “Little sapling– give me some of your water or sunlight! I’m wilting!”

The sapling replied, “I can’t! I’ve been storing up all summer.”

“Fine!” the sunflower yelled, “I’m much larger than you, so I’ll probably survive the winter better than you anyhow!”

But at that very moment, the proud gardener was showing another friend his garden. He said, “During the summer, I love my sunflowers, but do you know what my pride and joy is? This little guy.”

The gardener was pointing to the sapling!

The sunflower screamed, “But how could he favor you little sapling? You are so small and quaint!”

And, almost as if he had heard the angry sunflower, the gardener said, “Yessir, I love my sunflowers too, but they’re not perennials. This little guy will grow to be a big, strong tree. He’ll be by my side for the rest of my life.”

He was right.

And so, the little sapling lived happily ever after. The sunflower froze to death.

Ah, such is the circle of life.

THE END.

Clammy

cropped-roe-deer-1396281_1920.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Clammy, poor little dear.

You see, Clammy had grown up in a family of people with notoriously clammy hands and he had, of course, inherited the trait. The only thing that made Clammy forget his problem was his kind and loving mother. Unfortunately, Clammy had to avoid other people very often because if ever he was caught in a situation in which he’d have to hold hands with someone, he’d freeze like a deer in the headlights. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you have clammy hands, people will comment on it and you will have to apologize for it which is altogether degrading and embarrassing.

Anyway, Clammy’s mother taught him all about life: How to avoid social contexts, how to always carry a handkerchief in his pocket to wipe off his hands before job interviews, how he should never touch glass, and how to open doors without his hands slipping off the doorknob.

But, as is often the case with stories (because a conflict must be introduced), Clammy’s mother met her demise. How, you ask? Well, she had gone to the grocery store to gather some food and her feet got so clammy that she sweated through her shoes and slipped and fell, bringing 4,000 cans of clam chowder down on top of her. Why the grocery store had 4,000 cans of one product displayed, the world will never know.

And so, Clammy was all alone. He began to take care of himself and tried to make friends. Eventually, he found friends who had similarly awkward quirks: Shower– who smelled all the time (also a hereditary issue he had no control over), and Dumper– who, well, let’s just say he lost control of his faculties if he got too nervous (also an issue over which he had no control). They were a motley crew, but they loved one another despite their respective issues.

As the three grew up, they became fast friends. They even all eventually found girlfriends who admired their positive attitudes in the face of so much misfortune. Clammy’s  doe was especially kind and he even had to fight someone once because he wanted to date her! Luckily, clammy hands are especially good in a fight because if you hold your hands up to block your opponent, his fists will just slip right off your hands causing him to fall to the ground.

Clammy only wished he could give her more– that she could marry into a loving family as well.

That’s when it happened.

One day, Clammy heard a knock at his door. When he went to open it, there was a very tall, strong man standing before him. Something seemed familiar about the guy too, although Clammy couldn’t put his slippery finger on it…

The man said, “Clammy, I am your father. I know your mother didn’t tell you about me, but that is because I am the king.”

Wait a second.

Clammy hesitated, then responded, “A king? We don’t really have those here in the United States–”

“No, son,” the king responded, “You don’t understand. I am the CEO of ‘King of the Forest’– the local logging company. I just refer to myself as the king.”

This made sense.

But, how could Clammy’s father wield an ax, or even a chainsaw if he had clammy hands? Unless–

“Son,” the king continued, “I’ve come to tell you that your hands can be trained not to be clammy anymore. You can control your own fate, and I will be here to teach you.”

Could this be?

It could, and it was.

And, although the king never really explained to his son why he had abandoned him for so many years in the first place, Clammy, his father, and his family built a cabin in the woods and lived happily ever.

THE END.

The Amiss Family Slobinson

cropped-fishing-boat-538015_1920.jpg

Once upon a time, a family decided to go on a cruise.

Now, if this family had been alive to see the sinking of the Titanic, or any of the Carnival cruises fiascoes of the last decade, perhaps they would’ve chosen a different vacation. But alas, the family took this cruise years before any of these incidences occurred, so they went on a cruise.

Unfortunately, the cruise was steered off course, the crew abandoned ship, and the ship wrecked on an island!

A normal family would have panicked, but this family– the Slobinson family– was strange. In fact, many people thought that something was amiss with the family. Both the parents, Bill and Liz,  and the children, Frizz, Ernie, Joe, and Frank, were huge slobs. But in addition to this, they craved adventure to an alarming degree. So, when the family crashed on the island, they were very excited– so excited, in fact, that Liz began to weep for joy.

The Slobinsons knew that this was the adventure of a lifetime. Not only did they have to forage for food for survival purposes, but they had no more social obligations to do laundry or take baths or eat with utensils!

Over the first few days of their being stranded, the family made feeble attempts to signal for help because they kind of thought it was the “thing to do.” Bill spelled out S.O.S on the sands of the beach using palm branches, but this was to little avail because, well, airplanes didn’t exist yet. Liz wrote a message signaling for help, put it in a bottle, and set it out to sea, but this probably wouldn’t yield any help because she had neglected to put a cork in the bottle. The boys put trash in the ocean thinking that the EPA might find out and come to arrest them, but forgot that there was no such thing as the EPA yet and nobody thought about sustainability practices.

And so the family lived on the island, making it a place of their own. They built sloppy houses out of the steel and driftwood from the crashed cruise ship, weaved hammocks out of palm branches, and ate only salads made of grass because they were too lazy to find anything else. All in all, the family did pretty well for themselves. After almost a year of living on the island, they even got used to each others’ smell, so baths became entirely unnecessary.

Over time, the family adopted island animals as pets, including a little skunk named Nap– after the family’s favorite pastime. They really made the island home.

One day, the family was surprised to find a small girl, alone and crying in the forest on the island! Her family had wrecked on the island many years previous, but her parents died of an unknown sickness. She was left alone, but already knew how to fend for herself on the island. The Slobinsons didn’t know it, but the girl was crying not because she was afraid, but because the Slobinsons’ odor made her eyes water.

But the family decided to adopt the girl, whose name was Ima. So now, her name was Ima Slobinson. Unfortunate.

The family lived in peace for many years on the island, even in spite of the occasional stomach ache due to their all-grass diet, or skin irritation due to their lack of hygiene, and don’t get me started on how many times the family got head lice. But their existence was peaceful nonetheless.

However, about 10 years after the family crashed on the island, they spotted a ship. It was a rescue ship!

But they didn’t want to be rescued! They wanted to live in the filth of this island forever!

So, the sons and Ima searched through all of the stockpile of items they had kept on hand from the cruise ship. They had some flares and firecrackers which they thought would be perfect for firing at the ship!

The children, now grown men, also found matches in the stockpile which they had never used before because they never cooked anything.

All five of them fired off flares and firecrackers aimed at the ship, far off in the ocean. The problem was that this only made the stranded family more obvious– and the family looked as if they were actually signaling for help.

The ship came nearer and nearer to the island as the family ran out of ammunition. Oh no.

The Slobinsons realized what they had to do. They were freaks, but they realized that opposing help would look particularly freaky.

And so, the family boarded the ship, along with Ima. They looked longingly at the island which they had called home as it became just a small speck on the horizon.

And though the Slobinsons did not live the happily ever after they had hoped upon returning to society and its hygienic standards, they lived lives of hope just knowing that such an island existed on the face of the earth. A small slab of slob, drifting on the face of a vast ocean.

THE END.

The Little Drain that Could

cropped-pexels-photo-157177.jpeg

Once upon a time, there was a Little Drain. Yes, like in a sink, or a pool, or a bathtub.

The Little Drain was, as its name implies, very small and located in the kitchen sink of a very small house. The family that lived in the home with the Little Drain refrained from draining large pieces of food, or paint, or even thick liquids into his sink for fear that it would ruin the plumbing. The Little Drain was very thankful for this as he was generally very insecure and lacked confidence in his abilities.

But one day, the considerate family moved to a bigger house and another family moved into the home. On their first day in the house, the new family had potatoes and steak for dinner, with an apple pie for dessert- yum!

However, as is often the case with potatoes, there were many leftover skins. And, as is often the case with steak, there were many gristly portions left uneaten. Finally, as is often the case with apples, the cores were left untouched. This posed a problem for the family, who happened to live in the United States– a country with no realistic composting options available to its general citizens.

The family considered throwing these organic scraps in the trash, but they felt immediate and overwhelming guilt, so decided against it.

They then tried to put the scraps down the large basin sink in the basement, but this only caused a massive backup. Let’s just say, that sink was not happy (and neither was the father fixing it).

They even considered flushing the scraps down the toilet, but then realized that just because a toilet could flush a bucket of golf balls didn’t mean it should flush such items.

The only option left to the family was the little kitchen sink drain.

But the family was hesitant. The Little Drain became very scared. If all of these other appliances and means of disposal hadn’t been able to take care of this trash, how could he?

Nonetheless, the family began emptying the contents into the Little Drain’s sink.

First, the potato skins.

With each gulp, the Little Drain whispered– “I.. think.. I.. can…”

Then, the leftover steak.

With each swallow, the Little Drain muttered– “I… think… I.. can…”

Finally, the apple cores.

With each chomp, the Little Drain said– “I… think… I… can…”

But then, with all of these slimy and chunky and very organic materials in his system, the Little Drain became scared. What if he couldn’t drain these things and the family hated him forever? Then, surely, they would have him replaced with a bolder model– from Kohler perhaps.

Just as this doubt was creeping in, the Little Drain looked at the worried faces of the family looking down at him and was filled with new motivation and confidence. He began chanting–

“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!”

And, before he knew it, each and every piece of food and gristle was blending and moving down the drain!

Wait a minute! The Little Drain had a garbage disposal! The new family had installed one when the Little Drain was sleeping yesterday.

The Little Drain was whirring away, yelling– “I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can!”

And he could.

So, the family and the Little Drain lived happily ever after so long as the garbage disposal’s warranty lasted. And the Little Drain was never scared or insecure about his abilities again– even when someone once tried to put her retainer down the drain. Even that retainer was disposed of easily!

THE END.