Clammy

cropped-roe-deer-1396281_1920.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Clammy, poor little dear.

You see, Clammy had grown up in a family of people with notoriously clammy hands and he had, of course, inherited the trait. The only thing that made Clammy forget his problem was his kind and loving mother. Unfortunately, Clammy had to avoid other people very often because if ever he was caught in a situation in which he’d have to hold hands with someone, he’d freeze like a deer in the headlights. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you have clammy hands, people will comment on it and you will have to apologize for it which is altogether degrading and embarrassing.

Anyway, Clammy’s mother taught him all about life: How to avoid social contexts, how to always carry a handkerchief in his pocket to wipe off his hands before job interviews, how he should never touch glass, and how to open doors without his hands slipping off the doorknob.

But, as is often the case with stories (because a conflict must be introduced), Clammy’s mother met her demise. How, you ask? Well, she had gone to the grocery store to gather some food and her feet got so clammy that she sweated through her shoes and slipped and fell, bringing 4,000 cans of clam chowder down on top of her. Why the grocery store had 4,000 cans of one product displayed, the world will never know.

And so, Clammy was all alone. He began to take care of himself and tried to make friends. Eventually, he found friends who had similarly awkward quirks: Shower– who smelled all the time (also a hereditary issue he had no control over), and Dumper– who, well, let’s just say he lost control of his faculties if he got too nervous (also an issue over which he had no control). They were a motley crew, but they loved one another despite their respective issues.

As the three grew up, they became fast friends. They even all eventually found girlfriends who admired their positive attitudes in the face of so much misfortune. Clammy’s  doe was especially kind and he even had to fight someone once because he wanted to date her! Luckily, clammy hands are especially good in a fight because if you hold your hands up to block your opponent, his fists will just slip right off your hands causing him to fall to the ground.

Clammy only wished he could give her more– that she could marry into a loving family as well.

That’s when it happened.

One day, Clammy heard a knock at his door. When he went to open it, there was a very tall, strong man standing before him. Something seemed familiar about the guy too, although Clammy couldn’t put his slippery finger on it…

The man said, “Clammy, I am your father. I know your mother didn’t tell you about me, but that is because I am the king.”

Wait a second.

Clammy hesitated, then responded, “A king? We don’t really have those here in the United States–”

“No, son,” the king responded, “You don’t understand. I am the CEO of ‘King of the Forest’– the local logging company. I just refer to myself as the king.”

This made sense.

But, how could Clammy’s father wield an ax, or even a chainsaw if he had clammy hands? Unless–

“Son,” the king continued, “I’ve come to tell you that your hands can be trained not to be clammy anymore. You can control your own fate, and I will be here to teach you.”

Could this be?

It could, and it was.

And, although the king never really explained to his son why he had abandoned him for so many years in the first place, Clammy, his father, and his family built a cabin in the woods and lived happily ever.

THE END.

Advertisements

Pistachio

cropped-pinocchio.jpeg

Once upon a time, there was a very sad sculptor named Stiletto.

He was sad, first of all, because his father had always wanted him to become a cobbler (hence, his strange name). Second, he was sad because Stiletto had always wished for his own son to raise. But alas, Stiletto never got married and was now far too old to take on the responsibility of children.

When Stiletto was sad, he liked to carve things out of unconventional materials (typical artist). And so, one afternoon, Stiletto decided to glue together a bunch of pistachios and carve a boy out of them.

Stiletto carved the boy to look like he could be his son and named him “Pistachio” (what else?). This only made him sadder because he knew that this boy would never come to life, and also because the boy looked sick because he was completely green. Stiletto wished he had carved the boy out of something more traditional like clay or dried moose feces.

What made the whole situation even sadder was that it was also Stiletto’s birthday and, because he had no family to celebrate with, he baked for himself a birthday cake and made a wish on his candles,

“I wish,” he said, “I wish that Pistachio were a real boy.”

Then, Stiletto went to bed.

Now, I’m sure you understand the inherent power of birthday wishes. I mean, none of MINE have ever come true, but I’ve also never really believed in them enough to think that a birthday wish would turn a pile of congealed pistachios into a real boy. Although, maybe if I had, I would’ve made my own boyfriend by now.

In any case, the power of Stiletto’s birthday wish was so strong that IT WORKED!

Pistachio turned into a real boy and opened his eyes to see the world around him! He ran to Stiletto and yelled,

“Papa! Papa! I’m a real boy!”

Observant.

Stiletto awoke with a start. He couldn’t believe his eyes! He decided to carve a friend for Pistachio to keep him out of trouble. Stiletto carved the little friend out of an old cricket bat (like, from the British version of baseball or whatever) and named him Critically Cricket. And, just as his name implied, Critically criticized Pistachio for everything he did.

Stiletto taught his son how to make sculptures, took Pistachio to the market with him, and they even ate family meals together (although, they did find out that Pistachio had a strange tree nut allergy– too much of a good thing I guess).

But Stiletto soon realized that Pistachio needed to begin attending school like other boys his age.

Pistachio started off on his first day of school and, although he promised his Papa that he wouldn’t talk to strangers, he couldn’t help but respond when a fox came up and started eating his ankles.

“Hey!” Pistachio yelled, “Stop that! I’m going to school!”

The fox responded, “You, my boy, are not a boy at all. You don’t need to go to school. Besides, you look sick and should probably take the day off.”

These were good points.

But Critically spoke up from inside of Pistachio’s backpack, “Hey dummy! You need to go to school. Don’t make such a stupid decision.”

This only made Pistachio want to skip school even more.

The fox explained that he was taking a large group of children he found to Las Vegas. Pistachio thought this place sounded educational enough– it did mean “The Meadows” in Spanish, so it was probably the name of a national park!

Wrong.

When Pistachio and the other children arrived at Las Vegas, they were very disappointed. It was stinky, hot, and they weren’t even legal drinking age yet. There was no point to being there.

Critically yelled, “Hey dimwit! I told you this was a bad idea!”

The sly fox explained that all of the children were going to dress up as old people and play the slot machines for him all day long, then give him the proceeds.

All of the children were on board with this because they really liked putting quarters places like in those weird circular funnels in the middle of malls, in underwhelming rides at the end of grocery store checkout lines, and even in noses if they were really bored.

The only problem was that Pistachio was different. Because he looked so strange, people in Las Vegas thought he was some kind of weird sideshow. One weirdo guy dressed as Elvis even took a bite out of Pistachio’s arm. Rude.

When word spread that there was a boy in Las Vegas made entirely of pistachios, people began bombarding Pistachio with pictures and asking him ridiculous questions.

Now, before I go on, it is important to note that Pistachio did have a very strange quirk. Because he received his magical abilities from a birthday wish, every time he told a lie, he’d have to say “Happy Birthday” afterwards. It was like the universe’s way of making sure Stiletto’s birthday wish remembered to be pure of heart or something.

People yelled questions to Pistachio like–

“Have you ever been in a cookie?”

(Pistachio’s answer: “Of course not. Happy Birthday.”)

“Have you ever just tried to eat yourself?”

(Pistachio’s answer: “That’s disgusting. Happy Birthday.”)

“Is it really not easy being green?”

(Pistachio’s answer: “It’s easy. Happy birthday.”)

and even,

“What’s your middle name?”

(Pistachio’s answer: “Macaroon.” He unfortunately was not lying this time. Stiletto thought “Macaroon” sounded sophisticated and didn’t know it was a type of cookie.)

Pistachio wanted to go home. He miss his papa and his warm bed made of pistachio shells. He also hated telling people his middle name, so that was the last straw.

So, he went to the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum to see if he could make enough money as an exhibit to pay his way back home.

Critically hopped on Pistachio’s shoulder and yelled, “You’re pathetic! Why don’t you just hitchhike home?!”

Pistachio was too young to understand sarcasm, so that’s what he decided to do– hitchhike all the way back home.

He traveled in cars, on trains, and even on a hang glider once!

When he was only 50 miles from home, Pistachio climbed aboard a large Greyhound bus and, just as he thought he was about to get home, the bus broke down! He and Critically were stuck indefinitely in the belly of this beast!

Pistachio began to cry. Critically spoke up, “Hey. I know it’s hard. I’m sorry….

NOT. I can’t believe you got us into this mess. What an idiot!”

At that exact moment, Pistachio heard a voice say, “Son. I don’t think you’re an idiot at all. You just don’t know what life is yet.”

Pistachio looked up and saw–

Papa!

Indeed, it was Stiletto! He had stopped on the side of the road to see if maybe, just maybe, Pistachio had been trying to get home  by bus. Only a father knows where his son can be found in times of trouble.

Pistachio, Stiletto, and Critically went home. All three exhausted. All three very confused about how in the heck a fox knew the English language and how to drive a car to Las Vegas.

That night, it was Stiletto’s birthday once again– indeed, a whole year had passed. I suppose this meant that it was Pistachio’s birthday too!

This time, Stiletto wished that Pistachio would be a human boy and  Pistachio wished that Critically would have a British accent so to at least sound sophisticated when giving insults.

Both of these wishes came true! And, while Pistachio still maintained a terrible nut allergy, he didn’t look ill all of the time and was never tempted to eat his own fingers again.

As for Critically, he did get his British accent and, don’t quote me on this, but I heard that he changed his name to Simon and currently makes a living criticizing singers professionally.

And so, they lived happily ever after.

THE END.

The Night Before Finals

cropped-santa.jpeg

‘Twas the night before finals, when all through the hall,

Every student was groaning. They were hitting a wall.

Although they had since September, students were caught unaware,

When suddenly project deadlines soon would be there.

 

Freshmen through seniors could not go to bed,

As they decided to pull all-nighters and drink coffee instead.

Or maybe some Red Bull would offer a much needed zap,

(In hindsight they probably shouldn’t have taken so many naps).

 

When inside the dorm there arose such a splatter,

The printer was malfunctioning– what was the matter?!

Away down the hall students ran and they dashed,

Surely the professor would understand the printer was smashed? (He wouldn’t)

 

It was 4 a.m. now as snow began to fall,

Perhaps classes will be cancelled tomorrow after all?

When, what to my tear-filled eyes should appear?

An email in my inbox telling me of classes FOR NEXT YEAR.

 

I’m probably going to fail, to flunk, to get sick,

And you want me to register for new classes this quick?!

Don’t get distracted. Study  or you’ll look so lame,

(Will I get points if I correctly write my name?)

 

Now Science! Now Math! Now World Studies and Composition!

On History! On Psychology! (FORGET THIS. WE WANT FREE TUITION).

I pick up my head as my eyelids start to fall,

I pull up cute cat videos. Now I’m beginning to stall.

 

No! I must stay strong– like our dorm goldfish (before it died),

I must be able to tell my mother that I tried.

So to my keyboard each of my fingers flew,

One page was done… One and a half… Now two!

 

And then the sun began twinkling into my room,

I barely have time– this paper is due by noon!

As the day goes on, I hear sobs all around:

Computers crashing, students saying, “My paper can’t be found!”

 

Students dressed in plaid and leggings from their head to their foot,

Cried to professors about Wifi going “kaput.”

I printed my paper, and put on my pack.

“Now,” I sighed, “There’s no going back.”

 

We all sat in class for that moment so scary,

When the prof would say, “Turn in your papers!” in a tone far too merry.

He walked into the room with a stack of papers in tow,

As he yelled “Pop quiz!” my desk I wanted to throw.

 

I cracked my knuckles. I gritted my teeth.

The girl in the desk next to me started to weep.

I got the quiz and filled in what I thought the answers might be,

But I probably failed because I marked five in a row, “C.”

 

Soon class was finished and everyone yelped!

All things considered, I was pretty proud of myself.

We trudged back to our homes and back to our beds,

Back to our pillows to rest our scholarly heads.

 

In a matter of hours, Facebook and Twitter were jammed,

Students were bragging about work “well done”– finals were Instagrammed.

I took a selfie after striking a pose,

“Killed all my finals! No sweat at all!” I decided to post.

 

Next semester will be different. I’ll be older and smarter.

I’ll be able to handle level 400 classes that are harder.

I won’t procrastinate at all. Not a bit.

Wait, what series did you say was being uploaded on Netflix?

 

THE END.

Little Ned Ryding Should

cropped-cropped-little-red-riding-hood-1130258_1920.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Ned Ryding.

Ned was a regular boy between the ages of 4 & 14 (honestly, I’m not sure exactly how old he was. I’m not his mom, ok?)

One day, Little Ned’s mother wanted him to take some sweets to his grandma’s house in the forest. However, all of the authority figures in Ned’s life had a habit of starting to ask him to do something, but always neglected to finish their thoughts. They would say things like,

“Ned, it’s snowing outside. You should” or

“Ned, it’s your birthday. You should” or

“Ned, I’m dying. You should”

All things considered, it was a potentially lethal issue.

So, when his mother wanted him to take the sweets to his grandma’s house, she really said, “Ned! Your grandma is sick and would like some sweets. You should”

But he could inference pretty well by now, so this request was fairly straightforward.

Ned’s mother asking him to do this was more of a test than anything. She just wanted to see if he would, in fact, take the sweets into the forest without eating them before he arrived at grandma’s house.

So, Ned embarked on his journey all alone (which would be either really normal or really terrifying, depending on if he was 4 years old or 14 years old…).

The trip was fairly uneventful as he passed trees and cabins of all shapes and sizes, but soon, he found himself deeper into the forest where wolves and other nefarious creatures were known to be lurking.

One of these creatures was following Ned. It was a wolverine. [At this time, if you do not know what a wolverine looks like, click here. Wolverines are small and weasly and mildly terrifying.]

The wolverine had been studying Ned’s every move and thought, “This boy, Ned, is going to visit his grandma! I should”

Drat. I’d really like to know what that wolverine is planning to do.

As Ned traversed down the path, he began to nervous-eat. Nervous eating is the worst kind of eating because it’s the type of eating that can seldom be stopped. For, the more you eat out of nervous compulsion, the more you want to eat because you realize that you can’t be quite as nervous when you’re thinking about how delicious pastries are!

Soon, all of the treats for Ned’s grandma were gone.

And Ned arrived at his grandma’s house.

Oh no.

Ned knocked on the door in terror because he knew that his grandma had quite the sweet tooth and would most definitely give him a hard time and compare him to her deadbeat ex-husband again.

The door opened slowly and Ned saw his grandma laying in bed, with the covers pulled up to her chin. Ned never did figure out how in the world his grandma managed to open the door from her bed, but I digress…

His grandma whispered, “Come here, my dear.”

Ned walked toward his grandma, but thought she looked different than normal.

“Grandma, what short and stubby legs you have!” he said.

She responded, “All the better to use as an excuse to make you sweep my floor, my dear.”

“Grandma, what small eyes you have!” Ned added.

“All the better to glare at you with when I’m disappointed in your manners,” she quipped.

“Grandma, what oily fur you have!” Ned replied.

“Okay. Now you’re just being disrespectful like your rotten grandfather and my ex-husband. You deserve a hefty punishment. You should”

And because Ned didn’t know what he “should” do, he did every chore he could possibly think of at his grandma’s house until he went home a few days later.

Wait a second. That really WAS Ned’s grandma?!

But, what about the wolverine?

Well, turns out, the wolverine was clever and tricky and had actually decided not to pursue ruining Ned’s life because his life was already hard enough, what with having to predict what his friends and family wanted from him most of the time. Instead, the wolverine headed to Hollywood and negotiated a licensing deal to give 20th Century Fox full rights to his entire species name for the Wolverine movie series. What can I say? Wolverines are ugly, but they aren’t dumb.

So, the wolverine lived happily ever after, as did Ned’s grandma.

And after his mother finished grounding him for eating all of his grandma’s snacks, so did Ned. Just as Ned should.

THE END.

Crumbelina

cropped-fairy-1225819_1280.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a very small girl.

This girl was not simply shorter than usual or small for her age, rather, she was the size of a crumb. Of course, I’m not talking one of those little, almost invisible crumbs– like a grain of sugar or something. I mean that she was the size of, like, an oversized cookie crumb. Maybe a centimeter or so tall? I guess that’s more of a chunk of a cookie. But it’s not like her parents were going name her Chunkelina. That’s just cruel. I don’t know. That’s not the point.

The point is, she was very small. In fact, her parents (who had always wished for a child), found her as a baby, resting on a fluffy, white dandelion. That fateful day, the dandelion had granted the parents’ wish. Which is ironic considering the fact that if they had made their wish on the dandelion, Crumbelina would’ve been deep in trouble.

The parents took Crumbelina home and raised her as their own. They gave her a luxury bed to sleep on (a very large bread crumb), hundreds of beautiful dresses and outfits to wear (made from fabric scraps her mother hadn’t known what to do with for years), and more food than she could ever dream of (probably because one “normal-sized” portion of food would last Crumbelina at least a year. At least.).

But Crumbelina was always lonely. She couldn’t go to school because she’d get stepped on. She would’ve been worried about being bullied too, but she was too small even to be seen! Not to mention, Crumbelina’s parents still hadn’t figured out a way for her handwriting to be large enough to be checked by a teacher.

Crumbelina also couldn’t go to the playground for similar reasons. Playgrounds wouldn’t even be that fun for her because just running across a playground toward the swings took her a solid three hours.

As Crumbelina grew up (in maturity, not much in height), she dreamed of finding other people her size.

One day, Crumbelina was outside in the forest her parents planted for her out of a patch of  small succulents, when she heard something suspicious.

Well, I mean, a sound can’t really be suspicious. Unless it’s like a creepy whisper, or a creaking door, or some snapping branches, or– okay, I was wrong. Sounds can be suspicious. VERY suspicious.

And THIS was a suspicious sound.

It was the sound of wind whistling through the forest, followed by a deep, buzzing noise.

Then, Crumbelina realized what it was– it was a giant bumblebee! Well, it was actually a normal-sized bumblebee, but to Crumbelina, it was enormous!

The bumblebee swooped close to Crumbelina’s head and she screamed!

Crumbelina ran, but she couldn’t outrun the massive creature.

The bee landed in front of Crumbelina and buzzed, “What isss your name?”

Wow. Very cordial for an insect.

“My name is Crumbelina,” she said, “Please don’t sting me!”

“Get out of town!” the bumble bee exclaimed, “MY name issss Bumblina! It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance! And I’d never sting you. If I did that, I’d die. Also, you’re not big enough to be a threat.”

Oh wow. Extraordinarily cordial for an insect!

“Well, then,” Crumbelina replied, “Perhaps you could do me a favor. Would you be able to take me on an adventure?”

Crumbelina was bold. She didn’t understand that acquaintances usually don’t ask other acquaintances to do them favors.

Luckily, Bumblina was remarkably cordial.

“Of course!” said Bumblina, “Simply climb aboard and I’ll give you a tour of the whole backyard!”

This was exciting. Crumbelina had never seen the whole backyard before!

They flew above ant colonies, and by bees nests, overhead mouse and mole holes, and even through the REAL trees as cicadas and inch worms waved their kind hellos.

All things considered, Crumbelina’s parents probably should’ve called an exterminator or something.

Anyway.

Crumbelina so enjoyed herself, but on this adventure she saw no one like her. And she had so longed that she wasn’t alone.

Bumblina landed and Crumbelina began to cry. She hadn’t found what she was looking for.

“Bumblina,” Crumbelina sobbed, “Why aren’t there small people like me? Have you ever seen anyone who is as little as I am?”

“Oh– of course! People your size live all over this yard! Don’t tell me you’ve never seen any of them?”

She hadn’t. Ever. But you already know that.

Bumblina went on to explain that crumb-sized people lived in the backyards of full-sized people and formed colonies with other backyard creatures. How else would gardens grow, birds know when to fly south, or robins know where to build there nests if they hadn’t been told how to do so by these microscopic people?

The two walked to a nearby anthill and Crumbelina climbed down the tunnels into the ground, only to find that ants were not the only creatures who lived there! There was a colony of people as well– and they were all the same size as Crumbelina!

In fact, not only was the Queen Ant sitting on a throne at the heart of the anthill, but seated next to her was a prince– a human prince– who was training to run the kingdom after the queen stepped down. Or got stepped on.

Crumbelina couldn’t believe it! She asked many people about whether they knew her parents, or where she was from, but no one could giver her an answer.

She learned that many parents would use fluffy dandelion seeds to weave blankets for their newborns. Unfortunately, many times these seeds began to grow and, overnight, would sprout into full-grown dandelions– taking the newborns along for the ride! Crumbelina’s parents must have done this and, before they woke up in the morning, Crumbelina had been taken.

Crumbelina flew home with Bumbllna to tell her large parents the good news! Of course, her parents were sad that Crumbelina wanted to leave, but they were also somewhat relieved because they wouldn’t have to live with the constant fear they might’ve accidentally stepped on her. Also, they were growing older and it was getting hard to hear Crumbelina.

So Crumbelina decided to move to the anthill colony. Soon, the prince fell in love with Crumbelina because she was new and exciting and no one else had ever seen the entire yard before, so she was really good at geography.

And Crumbelina lived happily ever after.

THE END.

The Princess and the Hog

cropped-frog-1707928_1920.jpg

Once upon a time, there was a princess who really hated nature.

But once each year, on the warmest day of the summer, she would venture outdoors and take a walk in the woods surrounding the kingdom.

One year, the princess went on her walk in the woods as she did each year prior. She went alone because she doesn’t know the rules of hiking safety. For your reference, the rules of hiking safety are:

  1. Never go hiking alone.
  2. Never wear perfume while hiking.
  3. Never wear heels while hiking.
  4. Never go hiking on an empty stomach.
  5. Never go hiking after swimming.
  6. Never hike between noon and 2:30.
  7. Only go hiking if you have food to feed bears.
  8. Never go hiking if you can’t talk to trees.
  9. Never go hiking. It’s terrible and you’ll probably get ticks.
  10. There are no rules in hiking.

And, usually, the princess decided to abide by 8/10 of these rules. Usually.

This time, she only decided to follow 7/10 of the rules. Very shameful indeed.

On her hike all alone (strike one), the princess was playing with one of her favorite trinkets– a strand of pearls she had received for her most recent birthday. (Princesses don’t have REAL toys. They have jewels and gold and crap like that. They don’t even know what toys are. Who needs a teddy bear when you can just cuddle with a giant diamond?).

Suddenly, the strand of pearls broke and hundreds of the tiny spheres jumped over the trail of the forest. The princess knelt on the ground and frantically gathered what pearls she could before she had lost them all. Daddy was trying to teach her responsibility– even though she didn’t think it would ever be of any use to her– and he would surely be upset if she returned with a string and no pearls.

As she was searching, the princess heard something scurry onto the trail in front of her. She lifted her head and saw a creature she was unfamiliar with because she didn’t go into nature much.

When the princess looked at the creature, it began to… laugh? Yes! It was laughing– and snorting– it was snorting and laughing!

“Hey! You, creature!” the princess cried, “What’s so funny?”

“Don’t you get it? It’s hilarious!” the creature responded.

“Get what?” the princess asked confusedly.

“I’m a pig, and you broke your necklace–”

“You’re a pig?” the princess asked, still confused. The pig was now laughing so hard that he was rolling on the muddy ground. Or maybe he just wanted to roll on the muddy ground. Who knows.

“I can’t handle it anymore!” the pig squealed, “PEARLS BEFORE SWINE! That’s what’s so funny– you– you– you dropped pearls and I’m– I’m–a–a–”

He was hysterical.

The princess was confused all the more.

“Wait,” she interrupted, “I thought you said you were a pig, not a swine.”

“Wow,” the pig sighed, composing himself, “You really don’t get out much, do you? Say, are you the princess that comes into these woods once a year?”

“Yes,” the princess responded, “How did you know?”

“Well, you’re wearing a crown, for one, and also all of the creatures in the forest recognize the smell of your artificial perfume.” (strike two)

“Will you help me find all of the pearls I’ve lost?” the princess asked.

“Don’t get me started again!” the pig chuckled, “But of course, on one condition.”

“What is that?” the princess asked.

“That you allow me to come back and live in the castle with the royal family.”

And the princess agreed.

But, once the pair had finished cleaning up the pearls and the princess had assembled her pearl necklace once again, the princess reminded the pig of the funny pearls before swine joke again. As the pig was distracted by debilitating laughter, the princess ran to the kingdom as fast as she could!

The next morning, the princess was playing Yahtzee with rubies instead of dice when she heard the snorting of a pig outside of the window.

It was the pig she met yesterday! He had found her!

The princess ran and told her father, the king, about all that had happened the day before and asked what he advised. Obviously, because he was trying to teach his daughter responsibility, the king told his daughter that she must allow the pig to live in the kingdom.

Over the course of the following days, the pig demanded that the princess do ridiculous tasks for him to make up for being a jerk.

First, he told her to feed him breakfast every morning and, instead of using a spoon or fork to feed him, she was to use only a spork because he said he’d always wanted to be “pork that ate with a spork.”

The second thing was, he asked her to buy him a puppy. You guessed it: He had always wanted to be a hog with a dog.

Then, he requested that she tape her nose up to look like a pig every day so he didn’t feel so insecure about being the only pig in the kingdom. There’s no wordplay to go along with that one. He was just self-conscious.

But the oddest thing that he requested of the princess is that, one night, as they were sitting outside together and looking at the stars, she give him a kiss!

Gross!

“How dare you?!” the princess exclaimed, “What girl would ever kiss a pig?!”

“In my experience, girls kiss pigs all the time and don’t even realize until it’s too late.”

He had a point.

“If I kiss you,” the princess responded, “Will you release me from the duty of doing you favors?”

The pig smiled and let out a small snort.

“What’s so funny?” the princess asked.

“You said ‘duty,'” the pig answered. He continued, “Yes. If you kiss me, I will never ask you to do anything again.”

And so, because the princess didn’t want anything more to do with responsibility, she leaned in and kissed the pig right on the snout.

Just then, before her very eyes, the pig transformed into–

A FROG?!

How was this better than a pig?

“Hey! You’re an ugly frog!” the princess exclaimed.

“No,” the now-frog replied, “I turned YOU into a pig!”

“What?!” the princess-now-pig exclaimed, “I did not sign up for this. This is all YOUR fault, whoever you are. Wait a minute. What is your name?”

“Uh, my name is Kermit,” he responded.

And, although we certainly did not see that coming, the two lived happily ever after.

THE END.

 

RaPUNzel

cropped-fairytale-1735367_1280.jpg

Once upon a time, there lived a man and a woman who were expecting a child.

Next door to this couple lived a cranky old woman named Mother Goggle. She had a beautiful garden, but everyone always made fun of her because she wore safety goggles to trim hedges or mow the grass. This is probably why she was so cranky.

One night, the pregnant wife turned to her husband and said,

“You had better go get me some pickles from Mother Goggle’s garden, or you’re going to sleep on the couch for the rest of the night!”

Who was the husband to argue?

He sneaked into the cranky old lady’s yard and stole some cucumbers. Ironically, he still had to sleep on the couch that night because cucumbers take a while to turn into pickles.

The following morning, the couple received a knock at their cottage door.

It was Mother Goggle!

“You!” She screamed and pointed to the husband, “You stole cucumbers from my garden last night, you imbecile! You will pay for this!”

“How?” The wife retorted, “We have no money, or he would’ve just gone to the store and gotten me some pickles.”

“You will give me the child you are expecting and I will raise her as my own.”

“That’s terrible!” The woman cried, “I wasn’t even supposed to find out the gender until she was born and now you gave it away!”

“It was a guess, ” the old lady replied, “but I’m usually pretty good at these things.”

And so she was, for only a few weeks later, a daughter was born to the couple.

But no sooner was the Rapunzel born (for that was the name the couple chose), than the cranky old woman came to take her from her neighbors.

So as to keep Rapunzel from the outside world, Mother Goggle locked her in a clock tower, far away from the village her parents lived in. It was a very unfortunate place for anyone to be locked up for any amount of time as the tower always reminded you of exactly how long you had been captive.

As Rapunzel grew older, Mother Goggle realized that the child had a very unusual gift: Long hair. However, this was not her only gift.Her other gift was that of being great at making puns.

Which could also be perceived as a curse, depending on your taste in humor.

Every day, around 3:47 p.m., Mother Goggle would visit Rapunzel at the tower and yell out,

“Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

Rapunzel would often yell back something like:

“Don’t wig out! Give me a minute!”

Or,

“What am I? Your hairway to heaven?”

Or,

“I’d never leave you strand-ed!”

All things considered, Rapunzel was unbearable. But she had great hair and, very often, that’s 78% of the reason popular people are popular in the first place.

Mother Goggle would climb up Rapunzel’s hair to the tower every day to bring Rapunzel food and to talk with her about her day. Rapunzel knew no one other than Mother Goggle. In fact, Rapunzel thought that Mother Goggle was her own mother.

One day, when Rapunzel’s 18th birthday was approaching, Rapunzel thought she would ask Mother Goggle if she could leave the clock tower,

“Mother,” Rapunzel started, “I know that I’m just a hair-brained teenager, but I’ve always wanted to leave this clock tower–”

“No!” blurted Mother Goggle, “You’ll never leave this tower! You will stay here for as long as I say!”

Well, that was awkward.

Mother Goggle turned to leave, but realized that she needed Rapunzel’s help down the tower.

Well, this is even more awkward.

“Uh, Rapunzel, could you please help me to the ground?”

“Of course,” Rapunzel replied, “I’ve already let you down once today.”

Oh no. A hurtful pun. This was the epitome of awkward encounters.

Mother Goggle decided that she was going to get a great gift for Rapunzel for her birthday to make up for yelling at her and keeping her hostage for 18 years. So, she decided that the only thing to do would be to travel into the kingdom and go shopping for a charm bracelet or something. However, the journey would take an entire weekend, so she warned Rapunzel not to talk to strangers while she was gone.

And, as fate would have it, the prince of the kingdom was leaving for the weekend in search of a bride in the outside villages. He searched through every village, but could find no one suitable. In other words, none of the women he had met were pretty enough or had blond enough hair. Typical.

Just as he was becoming discouraged in his search, the prince happened upon the clock tower! He tried to climb up the tower in hopes of finding someone within, but the tower had been designed so that no one could gain passage from the ground.

Rapunzel watched the prince as he struggled. She thought it was kind of endearing. But he was also the first man she’d ever seen, so she put up a disinterested front. She didn’t want to go for the first guy that came along. She made him struggle all weekend at the foot of her tower, until Mother Goggle returned.

When the prince saw the cranky old lady, he ran and hid. He heard Mother Goggle yell, “Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

Rapunzel’s shiny, blond hair cascaded to the ground– almost 50 feet– as she yelled back,

“Take your time!”

The prince now knew how to gain access into the tower!

After the prince saw Mother Goggle leave that evening, he ran up to the clock tower and yelled,

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

Rapunzel’s hair fell to his feet as her voice echoed back to him,

“You figured it out! This has been the highlight of my day!”

Little did Rapunzel and the prince realize that, lurking nearby, Mother Goggle was watching this entire scene. The cranky old woman whispered to herself,

“Drat! I’ve been foiled!”

Great. Now everyone’s making puns.

The next day, Mother Goggle knew that the prince would return, for upon leaving, the prince yelled to Rapunzel, “I will return on the sweet morrow my love!” and, Mother Goggle wasn’t sure, but she thought “morrow” meant “to-morrow.”

So, the next day, like clockwork–

Crap. Now I’m doing it.

–Mother Goggle visited Rapunzel at 3:47 p.m.

However, Rapunzel did not know that, when she let Mother Goggle into the clock tower, Mother Goggle was going to tie her up and cut her hair! Now Rapunzel had short hair, which was enough to make her want to curl up and dye. 

Soon after, the prince arrived and, when he yelled, “Rapunzel! Let down your hair!” Mother Goggle held Rapunzel’s hair and threw it down to the prince. When he was approaching the entrance, Mother Goggle let go of the giant clump of blond hair.

The prince fell to the ground and landed on some thorny roses below, which poked out his eyes and made him blind– proving that every rose really does have its thorn.

Nooo!

Rapunzel was filled with rage. She cried, “Mother! What have you done?!”

“I was trying to protect you my dear,” Mother Goggle replied.

“So,” Rapunzel replied, “You’d say you did it to shave me?”

And with that, Mother Goggle died.

She had enough of all the puns. She couldn’t handle it anymore. So, she literally died.

Rapunzel freed herself from the ropes Mother Goggle had bound her with and used them to climb down to the ground. She was free. And  I think it’s safe to say that Rapunzel would never come face to face  with that clock tower ever again.

Rapunzel ran to the prince, who was very upset about having his eyes poked out. He said to Rapunzel, “I am sorry! I am a terrible prince because neither can I save you, nor can I behold your beauty.”

Rapunzel replied, “My dear, love is blind.

At that moment, one of the prince’s eyes was healed! Rapunzel’s puns had healing qualities– perhaps it was not the pun itself that had slain the cranky old woman, but the powers associated with the pun!

“Quick! Make another pun!” the prince exclaimed.

“No. I couldn’t pun-ish you that way,” Rapunzel answered.

And the prince’s other eye was healed!

When the prince saw that Rapunzel’s hair was short, he was disappointed, but she had saved his sight. So, he decided to marry her and make her princess of all the land.

And Mother Goggle’s body decomposed in the clock tower for the rest of time.

So Rapunzel lived happily ever after.

And the shallow prince was so annoyed by her terrible puns for the rest of his days, that he eventually went off

THE (DEEP) END