The Moose Who Made Fried Eggs

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Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Mac, whose mother asked him to go to market to find some mousse.

As is often the case with young boys, Mac misunderstood that his mother was asking for hair products and instead found a moose at the market. When Mac returned home, his mother was furious.

However, the next morning, Mac and his mother woke up to find the moose MAKING BREAKFAST.

They couldn’t believe their eyes (and noses, and taste buds!).

The moose was an excellent chef. His specialty was fried eggs– always done to perfection! He’d put the eggs on potatoes, and sandwiches, and hamburgers (which are technically also sandwiches, but honestly deserve to be placed in their own category).

That summer, Mac decided to take the moose into town to see if the two could open a restaurant. However, no one would give them a loan unless they could prove that the moose could actually cook without being a health hazard. For years, the moose worked at a diner, making half the money he deserved, just to prove himself.

The moose was obviously a talent. His fried egg dishes were famous far and wide throughout the land. However, Mac was growing older and soon met a beautiful girl and the two were married. He forgot all about his dear friend, moose.

The moose was exploited and treated as if he were a freak because he had no one to defend him or speak on his behalf. He was locked in a cage and forced to cook only what people ordered which stifled his creativity. He was an artist, for goodness sake!

But one day, Mac remembered the moose. How could he have forgotten?¬†Alas, Mac finally found the moose penned up behind the diner at which he’d been left many years ago.

“Moose!” Mac cried, “You are a treasure and can make fried eggs! What are you doing here, as a prisoner?”

This, of course, was a rhetorical questions because moose can’t speak.

But Mac could see that the moose had been here for many years and because of his extraordinary talents, the moose had been metaphorically torn apart and exploited for his rare abilities. The moose was tired and broken and weary.

Mac decided that he and his wife would take the moose from this terrible place and find a dream worthy of his talents. They also gave the moose a name: Donald. Certainly, this would restore his dignity.

As the years passed, Donald worked hard developing recipes in a kitchen perfectly designed for his unique stature. Soon, he and Mac opened a restaurant named after the two of them: McDonald’s. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

So, the boy and the moose lived happily ever after.

And if you’re ever wondering why your Egg McMuffin tastes particularly fried, or you cannot order a milkshake because the ice cream machine is down, it’s probably because a moose is frying the eggs or because moose have hooves and can’t work an ice cream machine, duh.

THE END.

 

Golditalks and the Three Squares

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Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Golditalks.

She was very very very talkative, which annoyed her mother to no end. So, every day, Goldie’s mother would send her on an adventure to get her the heck out of the house.

Today was no different.

Goldie’s mother said to her, “Oh Golditalks! I’m going to send you on an adventure today. Today, you are going to deliver some fresh fish to the house of bears down the lane!”

Golditalks replied, “This is great mother! I just love bears. They’re so big and cuddly. And did you know, one time I had a friend who had a friend who had a cousin who nearly got bitten by a bear because he called the bear fat. You wouldn’t know it, but bears are the most sensitive of the woodland creatures–”

Goldie’s mother had already left the room at this point. For valid reason too (as you can tell).

So, Golditalks set off to the house of the three bears. Once she arrived, she knocked on the door, but received no answer.

Goldie decided to see if the door was unlocked so she could step inside (which is COMPLETELY rude by the way).

It was unlocked! Goldie had never been in the bears’ house before, so this was a very exciting moment for her. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that people who talk a lot are typically also extraordinarily nosy.

Once inside, Goldie was shocked– this was the most boring house she’d ever seen!

Everything was beige– the floors were a beige shag carpet, the walls a beige wallpaper, the curtains were beige, the fridge was beige, the couch and all the furniture was beige, and even the crackling fire in the fireplace was a bland sort of beige too!

But worst of all, Golditalks found on their kitchen table bowls of half-eaten porridge– THE BLANDEST FOOD IN ALL THE LAND!

She decided to taste each bowl of porridge, just to see if it was flavored at all.

The first bowl tasted like cardboard.

The second bowl tasted like old pencil shavings.

But the third bowl tasted like cinnamon apple with a hint of nutmeg.

Hm.

Next, Golditalks decided to spruce up the bears’ furniture for them. She started with the kitchen chairs.

The first chair she painted a bright red with stenciled flames on each of the legs.

The second chair she painted hot pink with flowers and peace signs.

The third– wait– the third chair was already painted a radiant blue with fluffy white clouds brushed on it.

Strange.

All of this working and eating make Golditalks very tired, so she decided to go find a beige bed to take a nap in.

The first bed she tried was just a hard Army cot.

The second bed she tried was lumpy and had scratchy sheets.

But the third bed was Memory Foam. YESSSS.

No sooner had Golditalks drifted off to sleep than the three bears came home. They could tell immediately that someone had been in their house because the door was wide open and the smell of rotten fish stunk to high heaven. Oops. Golditalks had forgotten to put the fish it in the fridge.

The bears searched the house and ran upstairs to find Goldie asleep in Baby Bear’s bed!

(Of course, Baby Bear’s name was just Baby. She was not an actual infant bear. If she were, Goldilocks wouldn’t be able to fit in her bed.)

“Hey!” Papa Bear yelled, “What are you doing in our house?”

Goldtalks started awake and immediately replied, “I came into your house to deliver some fish. Have you ever eaten fish before? Of course you have, you’re bears. I like salmon. My mom makes really good Tilapia, but I only eat it when I’m really really hungry because otherwise I feel like I have fish breath. Hey do you smell fish right now?”

The bears didn’t know how to handle this. They were squares and their quota for excitement for the day had already been filled.

Except for Baby Bear’s.

Baby Bear replied, “Hey I know you– you’re Golditalks! I’ve heard all about you. Say, how old are you? Have you ever considered dyeing your hair pink? Would your name still be Golditalks if your hair wasn’t gold anymore? One time, I dyed the fur on my left ear pink and had to wear a hat for a month. What’s your favorite color?”

Baby Bear’s parents gasped. They’d never seen their daughter in such a state– talking so rapidly and with such enthusiasm. Mama bear asked, “Baby Bear, what’s gotten into you? We’ve never seen you in such a state!”

But Golditalks knew what was going on.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Goldie began, “You are a very boring family and you pride yourselves on being squares, but I learned today that one of you is most definitely NOT a square–”

Mama and Papa bear gasped.

“–This morning, I ate porridge from one of your bowls which tasted of apples–”

*Gasp!*

“–Cinnamon–”

*Double gasp!*

“–and nutmeg!”

*NOT NUTMEG–THE SUBTLEST AND MOST AMBIGUOUS OF SUBTLE FLAVORS!*

Golditalks continued, “I also saw that one of your kitchen chairs was decorated and this bed is made of memory foam!”

Mama and Papa Bear almost passed out from shock, but when they regained their composure, Papa Bear turned to Baby Bear and asked, “Dear, is all of this true?”

Baby Bear answered, “Yes, Papa. It’s all true. I just want to be expressive and creative and use my talents, but you and Mama have always wanted me to be a beige, square bear. I don’t want to be. I want to live my life in color. I want to be free. I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing–”

Ok. Baby Bear said more than this– actually, she broke out into song she felt so strongly about the whole thing.

The good news is, her parents were very understanding. They had only decided to be boring because being boring was fun for them– just like people who enjoy watching documentaries about making paper or like to go places like museums and read every single plaque in detail.

In the end, Golditalks remained friends with the family of bears and was never eaten. And guess what? The bears even let Baby Bear change her name to Adolescent Bear when she was fourteen.

And so,  Golditalks and the three bears lived happily ever after.

THE END.