Wander Woman

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Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Brianna. She was like most young girls, except she lived on an island with a bunch of women and there were no men because life was easier that way and they lived happily ever after.

THE END.

 

I’m kidding.

She was like most young girls, except she lived on the island with her mother in a village of women. According to legend, the men of the island had been exiled from the village and its island because they were always forgetting to put down the toilet seats and the women couldn’t handle it anymore.

Years had passed and all was peaceful on the island until Brianna was born. Brianna was the only child on the island and was actually the daughter of the island’s protector, Truce. His name was Truce because it was rumored that, someday, his daughter would be powerful enough to form a truce between man and woman again.

Brianna was a curious girl. She would often wander away from home and disobey her mother’s counsel. All she ever wanted to do was get off the island that trapped her restless heart. So, her aunt began to train her in the art of adventuring, scavenging, and fending for herself, for the women knew that if man came back to the island to fight, all the women had to do was flee into the woods to lose the men. The men would be too proud to ask one another for directions, fight over how to build a proper fire, and eventually die off.

Brianna became the best adventurer on the island and, by the time she was an adult, she knew the place like the back of her metaphorical (and literal) hand.

One day, Brianna was building a fire when she saw a parachute fall from the sky. She didn’t know it was a parachute, however, because she had never seen one before. She thought it was a giant jellyfish which is kind of terrifying when you think about it. And, attached to the parachute was a man! He was falling into the sea!

Brianna dove into the water to save this man from the water, especially now that this jellyfish would probably have the advantage over him. She quickly got to the man and pulled him to shore.

The man was startled to see a woman of such beauty when he awoke. He introduced himself as Kevin and said he was from a land with both men and women. He also explained that there was a war raging where he was from: A war over woman’s right to vote. Brianna knew that she had to leave and help Kevin win this war so that men and women could be at peace once again.

Brianna, against the better judgment of her mother, left the island with Kevin to go to a place called the “United States.” Upon arrival, Brianna learned that it was something called “1912” and that it was socially unacceptable to scavenge and eat bugs she found on the road. She was learning.

And Kevin was right: There really was a war going on. Men were the only ones allowed to do a lot of things like vote, speak in public, work, and wear comfortable shoes. It was an outrage!

And so, Brianna began scavenging around town for friends to rally to the cause. A few men who saw the importance of hearing women’s voices came to her aide. They decided that Briana would disguise herself as a man, run for office, and wander around town campaigning undercover.

Somehow, it worked! Everyone became so familiar with this stranger and so hated the politicians who usually ran for office that she was voted mayor!

The day Brianna was to be sworn into office, however, something happened: A man named Larry found out her secret. Never trust a guy named Larry.

Just as Brianna was about to take the oath of office (if that’s a thing you do when you’re mayor), Larry leaped forward and tore the fake beard from her face!

“Ha!” Larry yelled, “You all voted for a WOMAN!”

Everyone in the room gasped, both because they were startled that Brianna was a woman and also because that beard looked so real, like, what was it made of?

Kevin stepped forward and tried to explain that Brianna was more than qualified to be the mayor, but no one would listen because they thought he was just a ghost, for they had heard rumors that he had been eaten by a giant jellyfish off the coast of some island.

Brianna became distraught, but kept her cool and challenged Larry to a duel of wits. It was the highest stakes trivia night you ever did see.

And wouldn’t you know? The trivia was mostly about mythology (or, what Brianna might call “history”) and Brianna won!

Brianna became the mayor of that small, Georgia town that day, and she would have married Kevin soon thereafter if she wasn’t afraid a jellyfish was following him and might eat her someday.

That same year, Brianna founded the largest group of female scavengers and adventurers the world had ever seen, called the “Girl Scouts.” Less than ten years later, she campaigned for the cause of women’s suffrage in the United States– and this time, the women won.

And so, everyone lived happily ever after even though men still leave the toilet seat up sometimes. But it’s okay because women do things like leave their hair in the shower on occasions. Ya gotta choose your battles.

THE END.

The Emperor’s New Clones

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Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to be emperor. This was particularly convenient because he was in line for the throne.

The problem with this man was that, like many politicians, he was a fool and lazy and didn’t want to do work. So, when he finally became emperor, he decided to call all of his advisers for a meeting.

“I hate work!” the emperor yelled, “So, it is your job as my royal advisers to come up with a way for me not to have to do work!”

His advisers were confused, but decided to indulge the emperor nonetheless, possibly because he’d kill them otherwise.

One adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that, if he wanted to feel like he had less work to do, he could get an education beyond a second grade level. That way, hard work might seem easier with his newfound skills. The emperor, of course, despised this idea. What’s harder work than school?! Besides, the emperor had a third grade education. How dare this adviser assume otherwise. So, the emperor dismissed the adviser (and by “dismissed” I mean the adviser was beheaded).

The second adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that if he wanted to delegate his work to others, he could just have children. This way, his children and rightful heirs could do the work they would eventually inherit anyway. On the surface, this seemed like a good idea. Until, the emperor recalled the fact that there was no way he could win a wife because he was lazy, unmotivated, and didn’t like putting in the effort to talk to people (which is an important element of relationships, or so he was told). And so, the embarrassed and very alone emperor dismissed the adviser (and by “dismissed” I mean the adviser was sentenced to watching every season of The Bachelor ever made because he had insulted the emperor’s love life. A fate just as bitter as death).

The last adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that he could clone himself if he wanted someone else to do the work in the kingdom. The emperor didn’t think this idea was half bad. So, he funded the adviser’s research to develop cloning technology.

Once the adviser created the cloning technology, he told the emperor, “We are ready for you, your majesty. After today, you will never have to work again!”

And so, the emperor stepped into the cloning chamber. Soon, there were dozens of emperors wandering around the kingdom!

But what the emperor didn’t realize was that, in cloning himself, he was the ONLY person doing work in the kingdom!

That’s right– the emperor had to watch himself do work everywhere.

When he walked into the laundry room, he was the one washing his delicates.

When he ran past the kitchen, he was the one emptying the trash. .

When he went to the bathroom, he had to plunge his own toilet.

When he watched TV, he was the one giving his own speeches.

And in a few short weeks, he was the only one of himself who was STILL SINGLE.

The emperor couldn’t believe it. He was a laughingstock. Just imagine– going to the grocery store and seeing your emperor buying his own chicken for dinner! It was maddening.

But there was nothing the emperor could do now. Which, ironically, was just the way he liked it.

THE END.

Clammy

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Once upon a time, there was a boy named Clammy, poor little dear.

You see, Clammy had grown up in a family of people with notoriously clammy hands and he had, of course, inherited the trait. The only thing that made Clammy forget his problem was his kind and loving mother. Unfortunately, Clammy had to avoid other people very often because if ever he was caught in a situation in which he’d have to hold hands with someone, he’d freeze like a deer in the headlights. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you have clammy hands, people will comment on it and you will have to apologize for it which is altogether degrading and embarrassing.

Anyway, Clammy’s mother taught him all about life: How to avoid social contexts, how to always carry a handkerchief in his pocket to wipe off his hands before job interviews, how he should never touch glass, and how to open doors without his hands slipping off the doorknob.

But, as is often the case with stories (because a conflict must be introduced), Clammy’s mother met her demise. How, you ask? Well, she had gone to the grocery store to gather some food and her feet got so clammy that she sweated through her shoes and slipped and fell, bringing 4,000 cans of clam chowder down on top of her. Why the grocery store had 4,000 cans of one product displayed, the world will never know.

And so, Clammy was all alone. He began to take care of himself and tried to make friends. Eventually, he found friends who had similarly awkward quirks: Shower– who smelled all the time (also a hereditary issue he had no control over), and Dumper– who, well, let’s just say he lost control of his faculties if he got too nervous (also an issue over which he had no control). They were a motley crew, but they loved one another despite their respective issues.

As the three grew up, they became fast friends. They even all eventually found girlfriends who admired their positive attitudes in the face of so much misfortune. Clammy’s  doe was especially kind and he even had to fight someone once because he wanted to date her! Luckily, clammy hands are especially good in a fight because if you hold your hands up to block your opponent, his fists will just slip right off your hands causing him to fall to the ground.

Clammy only wished he could give her more– that she could marry into a loving family as well.

That’s when it happened.

One day, Clammy heard a knock at his door. When he went to open it, there was a very tall, strong man standing before him. Something seemed familiar about the guy too, although Clammy couldn’t put his slippery finger on it…

The man said, “Clammy, I am your father. I know your mother didn’t tell you about me, but that is because I am the king.”

Wait a second.

Clammy hesitated, then responded, “A king? We don’t really have those here in the United States–”

“No, son,” the king responded, “You don’t understand. I am the CEO of ‘King of the Forest’– the local logging company. I just refer to myself as the king.”

This made sense.

But, how could Clammy’s father wield an ax, or even a chainsaw if he had clammy hands? Unless–

“Son,” the king continued, “I’ve come to tell you that your hands can be trained not to be clammy anymore. You can control your own fate, and I will be here to teach you.”

Could this be?

It could, and it was.

And, although the king never really explained to his son why he had abandoned him for so many years in the first place, Clammy, his father, and his family built a cabin in the woods and lived happily ever.

THE END.

The Amiss Family Slobinson

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Once upon a time, a family decided to go on a cruise.

Now, if this family had been alive to see the sinking of the Titanic, or any of the Carnival cruises fiascoes of the last decade, perhaps they would’ve chosen a different vacation. But alas, the family took this cruise years before any of these incidences occurred, so they went on a cruise.

Unfortunately, the cruise was steered off course, the crew abandoned ship, and the ship wrecked on an island!

A normal family would have panicked, but this family– the Slobinson family– was strange. In fact, many people thought that something was amiss with the family. Both the parents, Bill and Liz,  and the children, Frizz, Ernie, Joe, and Frank, were huge slobs. But in addition to this, they craved adventure to an alarming degree. So, when the family crashed on the island, they were very excited– so excited, in fact, that Liz began to weep for joy.

The Slobinsons knew that this was the adventure of a lifetime. Not only did they have to forage for food for survival purposes, but they had no more social obligations to do laundry or take baths or eat with utensils!

Over the first few days of their being stranded, the family made feeble attempts to signal for help because they kind of thought it was the “thing to do.” Bill spelled out S.O.S on the sands of the beach using palm branches, but this was to little avail because, well, airplanes didn’t exist yet. Liz wrote a message signaling for help, put it in a bottle, and set it out to sea, but this probably wouldn’t yield any help because she had neglected to put a cork in the bottle. The boys put trash in the ocean thinking that the EPA might find out and come to arrest them, but forgot that there was no such thing as the EPA yet and nobody thought about sustainability practices.

And so the family lived on the island, making it a place of their own. They built sloppy houses out of the steel and driftwood from the crashed cruise ship, weaved hammocks out of palm branches, and ate only salads made of grass because they were too lazy to find anything else. All in all, the family did pretty well for themselves. After almost a year of living on the island, they even got used to each others’ smell, so baths became entirely unnecessary.

Over time, the family adopted island animals as pets, including a little skunk named Nap– after the family’s favorite pastime. They really made the island home.

One day, the family was surprised to find a small girl, alone and crying in the forest on the island! Her family had wrecked on the island many years previous, but her parents died of an unknown sickness. She was left alone, but already knew how to fend for herself on the island. The Slobinsons didn’t know it, but the girl was crying not because she was afraid, but because the Slobinsons’ odor made her eyes water.

But the family decided to adopt the girl, whose name was Ima. So now, her name was Ima Slobinson. Unfortunate.

The family lived in peace for many years on the island, even in spite of the occasional stomach ache due to their all-grass diet, or skin irritation due to their lack of hygiene, and don’t get me started on how many times the family got head lice. But their existence was peaceful nonetheless.

However, about 10 years after the family crashed on the island, they spotted a ship. It was a rescue ship!

But they didn’t want to be rescued! They wanted to live in the filth of this island forever!

So, the sons and Ima searched through all of the stockpile of items they had kept on hand from the cruise ship. They had some flares and firecrackers which they thought would be perfect for firing at the ship!

The children, now grown men, also found matches in the stockpile which they had never used before because they never cooked anything.

All five of them fired off flares and firecrackers aimed at the ship, far off in the ocean. The problem was that this only made the stranded family more obvious– and the family looked as if they were actually signaling for help.

The ship came nearer and nearer to the island as the family ran out of ammunition. Oh no.

The Slobinsons realized what they had to do. They were freaks, but they realized that opposing help would look particularly freaky.

And so, the family boarded the ship, along with Ima. They looked longingly at the island which they had called home as it became just a small speck on the horizon.

And though the Slobinsons did not live the happily ever after they had hoped upon returning to society and its hygienic standards, they lived lives of hope just knowing that such an island existed on the face of the earth. A small slab of slob, drifting on the face of a vast ocean.

THE END.

The Little Drain that Could

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Once upon a time, there was a Little Drain. Yes, like in a sink, or a pool, or a bathtub.

The Little Drain was, as its name implies, very small and located in the kitchen sink of a very small house. The family that lived in the home with the Little Drain refrained from draining large pieces of food, or paint, or even thick liquids into his sink for fear that it would ruin the plumbing. The Little Drain was very thankful for this as he was generally very insecure and lacked confidence in his abilities.

But one day, the considerate family moved to a bigger house and another family moved into the home. On their first day in the house, the new family had potatoes and steak for dinner, with an apple pie for dessert- yum!

However, as is often the case with potatoes, there were many leftover skins. And, as is often the case with steak, there were many gristly portions left uneaten. Finally, as is often the case with apples, the cores were left untouched. This posed a problem for the family, who happened to live in the United States– a country with no realistic composting options available to its general citizens.

The family considered throwing these organic scraps in the trash, but they felt immediate and overwhelming guilt, so decided against it.

They then tried to put the scraps down the large basin sink in the basement, but this only caused a massive backup. Let’s just say, that sink was not happy (and neither was the father fixing it).

They even considered flushing the scraps down the toilet, but then realized that just because a toilet could flush a bucket of golf balls didn’t mean it should flush such items.

The only option left to the family was the little kitchen sink drain.

But the family was hesitant. The Little Drain became very scared. If all of these other appliances and means of disposal hadn’t been able to take care of this trash, how could he?

Nonetheless, the family began emptying the contents into the Little Drain’s sink.

First, the potato skins.

With each gulp, the Little Drain whispered– “I.. think.. I.. can…”

Then, the leftover steak.

With each swallow, the Little Drain muttered– “I… think… I.. can…”

Finally, the apple cores.

With each chomp, the Little Drain said– “I… think… I… can…”

But then, with all of these slimy and chunky and very organic materials in his system, the Little Drain became scared. What if he couldn’t drain these things and the family hated him forever? Then, surely, they would have him replaced with a bolder model– from Kohler perhaps.

Just as this doubt was creeping in, the Little Drain looked at the worried faces of the family looking down at him and was filled with new motivation and confidence. He began chanting–

“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!”

And, before he knew it, each and every piece of food and gristle was blending and moving down the drain!

Wait a minute! The Little Drain had a garbage disposal! The new family had installed one when the Little Drain was sleeping yesterday.

The Little Drain was whirring away, yelling– “I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can!”

And he could.

So, the family and the Little Drain lived happily ever after so long as the garbage disposal’s warranty lasted. And the Little Drain was never scared or insecure about his abilities again– even when someone once tried to put her retainer down the drain. Even that retainer was disposed of easily!

THE END.

The Porpoise and the Heir

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Once upon a time, there was a happy porpoise named Polly.

Now, you may be wondering what a “porpoise” is. If so, here’s a picture for your reference:

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Porpoise

Isn’t she adorable?

Anyway, Polly was not like other sea creatures. She was not fast or graceful. Many of her friends were happy and playful dolphins, but she wasn’t quite a dolphin, so always felt like she didn’t fit in. Polly’s mom would always tell her:

“You don’t want to be like those other bottle-nosed dolphins anyway. They’re annoying and mean and not nearly as adorable as you.”

Polly knew her mom was saying this only because she was her daughter, but she appreciated it nonetheless.

One day at school, Polly saw that there was going to be a big race. She was going to enter the race to prove to her school that she was fast and that porpoises were just as good as dolphins and whales and other sea creatures (except octopuses because they’re cool and do things like regrow legs and squirt ink).

Polly trained for the race for weeks and, when the day came for her to prove herself, she was excited. She showed up to the race and looked at the roster. To her dismay, she saw the name of someone she’d sincerely hoped she wouldn’t see:

Princess Dolphina. The heiress.

In case you’re not sure what an heiress looks like, here’s a picture for your reference:

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Heiress

Oh wait, no. Crap. That’s hairless. Here’s an heiress:

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Not Hairless Heiress

Ok, now just pretend that the picture above is of a majestic dolphin heiress wearing a crown and you get the idea.

Unfortunately, Princess Dolphina was the fastest creature in the sea. She was Polly’s biggest competition. Actually, she was Polly’s only competition because when the other competitors saw Dolphina had entered the race, they dropped out.

When the whistle blew for the race to begin, Princess Dolphina took a rocketing start, but Polly knew not to be discouraged. She whispered to herself:

“Slow and steady wins the race. Keep the pace. Don’t get hungry.”

What? She got hungry easily and didn’t want it to distract her.

Dolphina eventually got so far ahead of Polly that she stopped off and made her butler (for all heiresses have butlers) cook her a snack.

But Polly still did not give up and continued to whisper:

“Slow and steady wins the race. Keep the pace. I have to pee.”

What? She did. But it wasn’t a huge issue because she was in the ocean.

Dolphina began to get really confident and, after she raced forward for a few more minutes, she stopped and got hair extensions. Yes– a dolphin with hair is as ridiculous as it sounds. But at least now she wasn’t a hairless heiress.

But Polly continued ahead, whispering:

“Slow and steady wins the race. Keep the pace. I just swallowed a goldfish.”

Gross.

Dolphina could see the finish line ahead, but didn’t see Polly anywhere. So, she decided to take a little nap to embarrass Polly when she got to the end and saw that she had enough time to take a nap. Rude.

Three hours later, Polly made it to the finish line. She saw Dolphina lying there and was very embarrassed. So embarrassed, that she began to cry. But she was in the ocean, so no one could tell.

One thing porpoises do have going for them is that they are great for flying under the radar! Remember how I had to tell you what a porpoise was at the beginning of this? Case in point.

Polly sneaked right past Dolphina and past the finish line.

SHE WON!

Slow and steady and hungry and having to pee and swallowing a goldfish really DOES win the race!

Unfortunately, no one noticed because porpoises are so good at flying under the radar.

But that day, Polly gained newfound confidence and started to believe in herself. And wouldn’t you know? Because Polly was so good at flying under the radar (and sonar), she’s the only one of her friends that hasn’t been captured to live in Sea World.

And Polly and her family lived happily ever after.

THE END.

The Princess Tried

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Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden named Sugarbowl.

She was, of course, the most beautiful maiden in all of the land because she was blonde and thin and laughed at boys’ jokes even when she didn’t think they were that funny– or worse, didn’t even understand them. For this reason, every single male in all of the land wanted to marry her.

But Sugarbowl only had eyes for one man. Luckily, he was the most attractive man in all of the land. Life is made so much easier when pretty egotistical people love each other.

His name was Eastley. Eastley was the farmhand on Sugarbowl’s family farm and, whenever Sugarbowl would order Eastley to do something like:

“Shovel the manure!” or

“Roll in the manure!” or

“Don’t eat the manure!”

Eastley would respond: “As you wish, my sugar dish.”

It was endearing, if not completely sickening.

Because Eastley was poor, he decided to leave and seek a fortune to be able to marry his bride, but alas, was presumed to be lost at sea or conquered at the hand of the Dread Pilot Hogwarts– a mean old pilot who kidnapped people in hopes that one of them would finally be able to tell him where to find the wizarding world of Harry Potter. Eastley didn’t return for five years.

Sugarbowl looked for Eastley once or twice, but couldn’t find him.

Oh well. She tried.

During this time, the prince, Pumpernickel, was seeking a bride. And, because Sugarbowl accidentally laughed at a joke he told once that she honestly didn’t even get, Pumpernickel requested that she marry him.

Sugarbowl felt she had nothing to live for (even though she was only 25 years old and should’ve gotten a career or a degree or something) and agreed to marry the prince.

Before the wedding, Sugarbowl was feeling particularly angsty and decided to go out for a ride on her favorite horse. While she was stopped on the trail to get a drink of water, three bandits kidnapped her. She protested by yelling a little  bit, but really didn’t care anymore.

Oh well. She tried.

The bandits were characters indeed:

-One bandit was named Linguine. He was the ringleader.

-The second was named Ferret. He was a giant.

-The third was named Francisco De Goya. He was an extremely skilled artist who had always wished he was a swordsman.

The three took the girl onto a boat and they traveled for some time before realizing they were being followed by a man in a helicopter… Dressed in a pilot’s uniform! It must be the Dread Pilot Hogwarts!

They quickly made their way to some cliffs, hoping that the Dread Pilot would not attempt to fly after them and risk crashing. The three bandits, along with the girl, climbed up the side of a cliff, only to realize that the helicopter had already landed on its plateau.

Drat!

Francisco De Goya encouraged the entourage to go ahead as he stayed behind to fight the Dread Pilot. You see, Francisco had been searching for the man who had killed his father for quite some time and figure that the Dread Pilot might be the culprit. The only thing Francisco knew about his father’s murderer was that he was double-jointed. And so, Francisco asked the man,

“You sir! How far back can you bend your thumb?”

The man could only bend his thumb back a little bit. This was not the man who had killed Francisco’s father.

Nonetheless, Francisco attempted to fight the man in the pilot uniform. This was an especially brief fight because Francisco thought that if he just used a sword like a giant paintbrush, he’s be able to thwart this man. He was wrong because a sword is not a paintbrush and because the man had a gun, which trumps a sword any day.

Francisco retreated and allowed the man to pursue Sugarbowl and the others.

However, not far from the cliffs, Ferret was waiting. He said to the man dressed as a pilot:

“I will fight you. I am kindhearted and lovable, but I will still crush your skull.”

The thing was, Ferret was not very bright. The mystery man was easily able to defeat Ferret by challenging him to a breath-holding contest. The man, obviously, won.

While Ferret was passed out, the man quickly ran after Linguine and Sugarbowl.

Linguine thought to himself, “I am very smart. I will challenge this mystery pilot man to a duel of the minds.”

And so, Linguine told the man:

“I am challenging you to a battle of wits! If you can answer this riddle, you may slice me through the middle!”

Graphic, but effective.

Here was the riddle Linguine proposed:

“I can be thin and flexible,

Yet at times snap and break,

I can be dry as a desert,

Or can stick like wet paint–”

Linguine was proud of his clever little riddle until the mystery pilot man quickly answered–

“Linguine!”

“Yes?” Linguine responded.

“No! The answer is linguine!” the man exclaimed.

It was true. Linguine thought that if the answer was so obvious, it would seem stupid to guess it. Linguine shouted:

“UNBELIEVABLE!”

And the man killed Linguine right then and there. Sad, but true.

The mystery man took the Sugarbowl’s hand and ran toward the nearby forest. Sugarbowl got extremely annoyed with all of this running and being run around, so she began to throw a fit. Then, she got tired of throwing a fit, so just started whining about how much her  feet hurt.

Oh well. She tried.

When the two reached the edge of the forest, the man looked at Sugarbowl and said, “Here we are– at the edge of the forest. We are going in and may not come out alive especially because the forest is made of deadly candy. Watch out for the Pop Rock lava, Fun Dip quicksand, and R.O.U.S.s.”

Sugarbowl began to cry and, out of anger and sheer diva selfishness, she kicked the pilot in the shin. Then, she of course felt guilty about it and whined–

“Please forgive me!”

The man immediately responded, “As you wish, sugar dish.”

GASP! GASP! GAAAAASP!

It was Eastley!

Sugarbowl felt mildly guilty for kicking him in the shins, but very happy that she would be traveling into this treacherous forest with someone she truly loved.

The two held hands and entered the forest together.

Eastley explained that, when he had left five years ago, he had gotten on the wrong flight at the airport and found himself on the Dread Pilot Hogwarts’s plane. However, the Dread Pilot was nowhere to be found– he had just stranded the plane on the tarmac with a note that read:

“If you found this plane, it now belongs to you. Keep my legacy alive. I am the sorting hat and you are now the Dread Pilot Hogwarts.”

Cryptic, but Eastley couldn’t resist.

So he acted as the Dread Pilot Hogwarts until he realized he had much more to live for.

Eastley and Sugarbowl gingerly made their way through the forest. They dodged stray pop rocks, avoided taking a dip in some quicksand, and, well, there weren’t any R.O.U.Ss yet–

Wait.

What was that sound–

Ah! IT WAS A GIANT RAZZLE!

A.

RAZZLE.

OF.

UNUSUAL.

SIZE.

The worst part was that when you tried to cut them up, slice them, or dice them, they would just turn into a sticky mess of gum and trap you!

Eastley was being attacked on all sides, but only for five minutes because once he held the Razzles back long enough, they solidified and became as hard as a rock. Razzles have never been a candy with much endurance.

They made it out of the woods just in time to be met on the other side of the forest by Prince Pumpernickel–

WHATTT?!

Pumpernickel captured Eastley and put him into the Pit of Rotten Pears. It was just a giant pit of rotten pears. Disgusting. Eastley passed out from the shear smell of the rotted fruit.

Pumpernickel then took Sugarbowl back to the castle and told her that she must marry him, or else be thrown into the Pit of Rotten Pears herself. As much as she loved Eastley, Sugarbowl hated pears more– and hated rotten pears even more so. So, she’d marry Pumpernickel she guessed.

Oh well. She tried.

Meanwhile, Francisco De Goya and Ferret were looking for Eastley. They knew he must’ve been a very special guy to have outsmarted them and also Linguine and wanted him to join their team.

They traveled around the forest and happened on Eastley outside of the Pit of Rotten Pears– he had been pulled out of the pit and left to die by the hand of fruit flies. Or by the wing of fruit flies. Whatever.

They tried to revive Eastley, but to no avail. So, they took him to an Anti-medicine Man. It was a man who was against health remedies. Surely, this man would know how to counteract the effects of fruit– even rotten fruit.

The Anti-medicine Man found that Eastley was only half dead, so he tried to make him smell french fries and painted his face in bacon grease, but these remedies didn’t help. The Anti-medicine Man decided to give up.

But at that moment, the Anti-medicine Man’s wife burst  into the room and yelled–

“You can bring this man back to life and you know it!”

“But the man is half-dead!” her husband retorted.

“Which means he’s half alive!” she responded.

Just then, Eastley awoke! Guess all he needed was a good dose of positivity.

The three made their way to Prince Pumpernickel’s castle. They devised a plan to stop the wedding of Prince Pumpernickel and Sugarbowl by dressing up as Dementors and scaring away the guests– after all, Eastley did have a strangely large variety of Harry Potter-themed costumes in his helicopter.

But they were too late. By the time they had scared away all of the guards, the priest had already declared Pumpernickel and Sugarbowl, “Mawwied.”

Pumpernickel whisked Sugarbowl away to the tower and locked her there. Then, he ran downstairs to kill his father– WAIT.

His plan ALL ALONG was to get married and kill his father so he could become king!

Oh crap.

Good thing Eastley was in the hallway waiting for Pumpernickel to run by so he could trip him. Then, the two began to have an epic sword fight.

Francisco and Ferret came to fight alongside Eastley as well. Now it was three to one. Surely Pumpernickel would be thwarted now. Except, he was a particularly skilled sword fighter because… HE WAS DOUBLE JOINTED.

Francisco then gained the strength of 20 painters and 3 sword fighters, stabbed Prince Pumpernickel through the heart and muttered,

“My name is Franciso De Goya. I am a painter. But also taught myself how to fight. You killed my father. You’re dead now.”

He was.

And so, Sugarbowl decided that the only thing left to do was to marry Francisco De Goya.

After all, Francisco was the one who killed the villain. Eastley was confused. Sugarbowl explained to him that she was only doing the noble thing by marrying the man who had been the bravest, but Eastley didn’t get it.

Oh well. She tried.

THE END.