Wander Woman

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Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Brianna. She was like most young girls, except she lived on an island with a bunch of women and there were no men because life was easier that way and they lived happily ever after.

THE END.

 

I’m kidding.

She was like most young girls, except she lived on the island with her mother in a village of women. According to legend, the men of the island had been exiled from the village and its island because they were always forgetting to put down the toilet seats and the women couldn’t handle it anymore.

Years had passed and all was peaceful on the island until Brianna was born. Brianna was the only child on the island and was actually the daughter of the island’s protector, Truce. His name was Truce because it was rumored that, someday, his daughter would be powerful enough to form a truce between man and woman again.

Brianna was a curious girl. She would often wander away from home and disobey her mother’s counsel. All she ever wanted to do was get off the island that trapped her restless heart. So, her aunt began to train her in the art of adventuring, scavenging, and fending for herself, for the women knew that if man came back to the island to fight, all the women had to do was flee into the woods to lose the men. The men would be too proud to ask one another for directions, fight over how to build a proper fire, and eventually die off.

Brianna became the best adventurer on the island and, by the time she was an adult, she knew the place like the back of her metaphorical (and literal) hand.

One day, Brianna was building a fire when she saw a parachute fall from the sky. She didn’t know it was a parachute, however, because she had never seen one before. She thought it was a giant jellyfish which is kind of terrifying when you think about it. And, attached to the parachute was a man! He was falling into the sea!

Brianna dove into the water to save this man from the water, especially now that this jellyfish would probably have the advantage over him. She quickly got to the man and pulled him to shore.

The man was startled to see a woman of such beauty when he awoke. He introduced himself as Kevin and said he was from a land with both men and women. He also explained that there was a war raging where he was from: A war over woman’s right to vote. Brianna knew that she had to leave and help Kevin win this war so that men and women could be at peace once again.

Brianna, against the better judgment of her mother, left the island with Kevin to go to a place called the “United States.” Upon arrival, Brianna learned that it was something called “1912” and that it was socially unacceptable to scavenge and eat bugs she found on the road. She was learning.

And Kevin was right: There really was a war going on. Men were the only ones allowed to do a lot of things like vote, speak in public, work, and wear comfortable shoes. It was an outrage!

And so, Brianna began scavenging around town for friends to rally to the cause. A few men who saw the importance of hearing women’s voices came to her aide. They decided that Briana would disguise herself as a man, run for office, and wander around town campaigning undercover.

Somehow, it worked! Everyone became so familiar with this stranger and so hated the politicians who usually ran for office that she was voted mayor!

The day Brianna was to be sworn into office, however, something happened: A man named Larry found out her secret. Never trust a guy named Larry.

Just as Brianna was about to take the oath of office (if that’s a thing you do when you’re mayor), Larry leaped forward and tore the fake beard from her face!

“Ha!” Larry yelled, “You all voted for a WOMAN!”

Everyone in the room gasped, both because they were startled that Brianna was a woman and also because that beard looked so real, like, what was it made of?

Kevin stepped forward and tried to explain that Brianna was more than qualified to be the mayor, but no one would listen because they thought he was just a ghost, for they had heard rumors that he had been eaten by a giant jellyfish off the coast of some island.

Brianna became distraught, but kept her cool and challenged Larry to a duel of wits. It was the highest stakes trivia night you ever did see.

And wouldn’t you know? The trivia was mostly about mythology (or, what Brianna might call “history”) and Brianna won!

Brianna became the mayor of that small, Georgia town that day, and she would have married Kevin soon thereafter if she wasn’t afraid a jellyfish was following him and might eat her someday.

That same year, Brianna founded the largest group of female scavengers and adventurers the world had ever seen, called the “Girl Scouts.” Less than ten years later, she campaigned for the cause of women’s suffrage in the United States– and this time, the women won.

And so, everyone lived happily ever after even though men still leave the toilet seat up sometimes. But it’s okay because women do things like leave their hair in the shower on occasions. Ya gotta choose your battles.

THE END.

The IKEA Book

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Once upon a time, there was a boy named Googly.

Unfortunately, Googly had first-time parents who didn’t know how to raise a child, so one day, while they were visiting IKEA, they left Googly there by accident. The worst part was they didn’t even realize that they left him there until it was too late. Once they realized, they knew there was no point of even trying to find him because he was lost in IKEA for goodness sakes.

And so, Googly was left to fend for himself alone as a baby in the jungle– er, I mean, IKEA.

Soon, a store employee found Googly and decided to raise him as a resident of the store, for it is a well known truth that all employees of IKEA just live there and sleep there and eat there. And so, for most of his childhood, Googly was raised in the Sofa section of the store. The Sofa employees treated Googly as one of their own. Googly grew to be just as kind and as soft and as compassionate as any Sofa or employee in the Sofa section ever had been.

However, one day, one of the top-ranked employees at IKEA visited the Sofa section. He typically worked in the shipping department of the store and was so terrifying he had earned himself the name “Sheer Brawn.” Sheer Brawn had himself grown up in an IKEA with his family and had worked in every section of the store. He only now worked in the shipping department because he could lift an entire refrigerator with just his left arm.

Sheer Brawn walked into the Sofa section and sent a shudder throughout the entire floor as he snarled,

“So I hear you have a little apprentice here in the Sofa section?” Sheer Brawn growled, “When were you going to introduce him to me?”

The manager of the Sofas spoke up, “Sheer Brawn, I know that you mean harm to Googly, but he is one of us now. At this rate, he has all of the makings of the next IKEA CEO!”

“Nonsense!” Sheer Brawn yelled, “Googly doesn’t belong here. He is not one of us! He is just a man. And, when he’s grown, he will surely find that he is unable to compete with the likes of me.”

And with that threat looming in the air, Sheer Brawn took his lunch break.

Googly was scared and the Sofa employees didn’t know what to do. However, another employee– a Bagger– had been listening nearby.

Bagger was a loner. All he did was bag peoples’ belongings all day and, because he worked with customers most closely and frequently, he was perhaps the toughest of all of the IKEA employees.

Bagger stepped forward, “Sofa employees!” he said, “I will take the boy under my wing and teach him all there is to know about this store. I know all of the products inside and out. He can no longer relax in this cushy department of yours. He needs to learn how to fend for himself. And then, when he is ready, he can go back into the real world– with people.”

And so, Bagger taught Googly everything he knew about IKEA– product numbers, how to use the label machine, where to locate every measuring cup and teaspoon. It was grueling, but rewarding work.

But, one day, Googly met a friend– Igloo. Igloo worked at the IKEA slushy  stand and knew all about the fun places in the store. He and Googly would build blanket forts, eat all of the pretzels their hearts desired, and even have elevator races– all behind Bagger’s back. Igloo taught Googly all of the fun things about IKEA so that Googly never wanted to leave.

Bagger eventually found out about these escapades and reprimanded Googly,

“Googly! You are no longer allowed to spend so much time with Igloo and I’ve decided that you need to go  back where you belong immediately. You need to be with normal people.”

Googly did not like the idea of this and decided to run away one night and work at the slushy stand with Igloo permanently. However, after Googly used cherry syrup for a customer’s order instead of raspberry syrup, even Igloo realized that Googly didn’t belong in IKEA. When Igloo told Googly this, Googly became upset and ran far away– deep into the depths of the gardening department.

After escaping nearly being strangled by a garden hose, Googly decided that he was going to make his own way. He could totally fend for himself in IKEA. He didn’t need the help of Bagger or Igloo.

Just as he was hyping himself up, Googly heard a noise. It was the laughter of Funky– the manager of the ’70s furniture section.

Funky had always wanted to live amongst normal people, but couldn’t because normal people scoffed at the fact that he lived in the past. His decision to choose IKEA over people was a tortured one– so much so that he often acted crazy and people called him King Screwy. Then again, maybe his weird behavior was just the effects of living through the ’70s.

In any case, King Screwy found Googly and said to him, “Teach me how to be more like you and you can live here with me forever, man!”

This is not what Googly wanted. Besides, what did Googly know about being a normal person? He had never even seen the outside world!

King Screwy was about to get Googly his own ’70s inspired outfit as both Bagger and Igloo stumbled into the ’70s furniture section. They had come to save Googly!

They distracted King Screwy with a ’70s inspired shag carpet they snatched from the vintage section of the store, took Googly, and ran.

But little did the three know that they were running right into the shipping department where Sheer Brawn was lurking.

The shipping department was dark and cold and Googly got the willies just walking through it. Soon, he couldn’t see his own hand in front of his face– nor could he tell if he was still with Bagger and Igloo.

Then, he heard a loud THUD and a snarl behind him:

“Hello, Googly,” Sheer Brawn whispered, “You are all alone now. There’s no way you can make it out of the shipping department, back into the rest of the store. I’ll ship you to Timbuktu, where no IKEAs exist and no one will ever be able to find you!”

Googly yelled and began to run. Because he was so small and Sheer Brawn had terrible eyesight from working in the dark all the time, Googly was able to elude Sheer Brawn at the last second.

But Sheer Brawn bounded after Googly.

Bagger yelled through the darkness, “Run Googly! Run to the lighting department!”

Googly didn’t know why he had to run to this department, but Bagger had never steered him wrong before, so Googly leaped up three flights of stairs, through the kitchen section, over mattresses and bedframes, and down the window treatment aisles to the lighting section– Sheer Brawn trailing him all along.

The closer the two got to the lighting section, the brighter it got. Lights of all kinds shone brighter and brighter with each step– floor lamps, sconces, and lanterns pierced through even the natural illumination that poured in through the skylights.

It was too much for Sheer Brawn:

“Ah!!! My eyes!” he yelled, “They burn! How can you stand it?!”

And, in pain and agony, Sheer Brawn retreated back to the shipping department– crying all the while. Turns out, years of working in the darkness hadn’t turned his eyes into sheer brawn.

Bagger and Igloo were not far behind Googly. The three embraced. And, for the first time, Googly realized that he didn’t belong in IKEA, at least not in the way that Bagger, or Igloo, or even Sheer Brawn did. He belonged with normal people.

Bagger and Igloo walked Googly to the entrance of the store.

“Now, you make sure that you bring your family here to visit us one day,” Bagger said, with a tear in his eye.

“Yeah! You be sure to bring ’em right to the slushy stand! I’ll be sure to give them a discount,” Igloo laughed.

This was really it. Googly was leaving the place he had called home for nearly ten years– a big wide world of excitement and sales and furniture–  and he was stepping into the unknown.

And, so, Googly stepped out of IKEA, the automatic doors closing behind him, and  lived happily ever after.

THE END.

The Emperor’s New Clones

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Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to be emperor. This was particularly convenient because he was in line for the throne.

The problem with this man was that, like many politicians, he was a fool and lazy and didn’t want to do work. So, when he finally became emperor, he decided to call all of his advisers for a meeting.

“I hate work!” the emperor yelled, “So, it is your job as my royal advisers to come up with a way for me not to have to do work!”

His advisers were confused, but decided to indulge the emperor nonetheless, possibly because he’d kill them otherwise.

One adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that, if he wanted to feel like he had less work to do, he could get an education beyond a second grade level. That way, hard work might seem easier with his newfound skills. The emperor, of course, despised this idea. What’s harder work than school?! Besides, the emperor had a third grade education. How dare this adviser assume otherwise. So, the emperor dismissed the adviser (and by “dismissed” I mean the adviser was beheaded).

The second adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that if he wanted to delegate his work to others, he could just have children. This way, his children and rightful heirs could do the work they would eventually inherit anyway. On the surface, this seemed like a good idea. Until, the emperor recalled the fact that there was no way he could win a wife because he was lazy, unmotivated, and didn’t like putting in the effort to talk to people (which is an important element of relationships, or so he was told). And so, the embarrassed and very alone emperor dismissed the adviser (and by “dismissed” I mean the adviser was sentenced to watching every season of The Bachelor ever made because he had insulted the emperor’s love life. A fate just as bitter as death).

The last adviser, with fear and trembling, told the emperor that he could clone himself if he wanted someone else to do the work in the kingdom. The emperor didn’t think this idea was half bad. So, he funded the adviser’s research to develop cloning technology.

Once the adviser created the cloning technology, he told the emperor, “We are ready for you, your majesty. After today, you will never have to work again!”

And so, the emperor stepped into the cloning chamber. Soon, there were dozens of emperors wandering around the kingdom!

But what the emperor didn’t realize was that, in cloning himself, he was the ONLY person doing work in the kingdom!

That’s right– the emperor had to watch himself do work everywhere.

When he walked into the laundry room, he was the one washing his delicates.

When he ran past the kitchen, he was the one emptying the trash. .

When he went to the bathroom, he had to plunge his own toilet.

When he watched TV, he was the one giving his own speeches.

And in a few short weeks, he was the only one of himself who was STILL SINGLE.

The emperor couldn’t believe it. He was a laughingstock. Just imagine– going to the grocery store and seeing your emperor buying his own chicken for dinner! It was maddening.

But there was nothing the emperor could do now. Which, ironically, was just the way he liked it.

THE END.

The Plant and the Showstopper

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Once upon a time, there were two plants: One was a small sapling that had to work very hard to grow and photosynthesize. The other was a large and beautiful sunflower that could grow anywhere at any time and be enjoyed by all. Here a couple of visual aids:

See? The small sapling on the left is almost being RIDICULED by the beautiful flower on the right. Doesn’t it just make you want to cry?

So, while the little sapling struggled and toiled through the summer, nearly being torn from the ground by the mildest of thunderstorms, the sunflower grew and thrived. Even the gardener seemed to favor the sunflower, showing her off to anyone who visited his garden, “Isn’t she just a pretty little showstopper?” he would say, “My favorite flower!” he would smile.

This was just painful.

To add insult to injury, the sunflower would taunt the sapling as she waved in the wind, “What are you doing down there little sapling?” the sunflower would laugh, “Trying to put down roots? You’re probably just a little weed– all of your work is in vain!”

But the more the sunflower jeered, the harder the little sapling tried to grow. He would soak up the sun, absorb as much rain as he could, and even began to take resources from other nearby plants (which he didn’t feel great about, but he felt that he couldn’t help it).

The sunflower continued to grow almost effortlessly. She danced in the breeze and sprouted to almost 8 feet that summer. The sapling grew only a measly foot.

But one day, it began to get chilly. Winter was moving in and the sunflower began to wilt.

“Hey!” she yelled, “Little sapling– give me some of your water or sunlight! I’m wilting!”

The sapling replied, “I can’t! I’ve been storing up all summer.”

“Fine!” the sunflower yelled, “I’m much larger than you, so I’ll probably survive the winter better than you anyhow!”

But at that very moment, the proud gardener was showing another friend his garden. He said, “During the summer, I love my sunflowers, but do you know what my pride and joy is? This little guy.”

The gardener was pointing to the sapling!

The sunflower screamed, “But how could he favor you little sapling? You are so small and quaint!”

And, almost as if he had heard the angry sunflower, the gardener said, “Yessir, I love my sunflowers too, but they’re not perennials. This little guy will grow to be a big, strong tree. He’ll be by my side for the rest of my life.”

He was right.

And so, the little sapling lived happily ever after. The sunflower froze to death.

Ah, such is the circle of life.

THE END.

The Princess Tried

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Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden named Sugarbowl.

She was, of course, the most beautiful maiden in all of the land because she was blonde and thin and laughed at boys’ jokes even when she didn’t think they were that funny– or worse, didn’t even understand them. For this reason, every single male in all of the land wanted to marry her.

But Sugarbowl only had eyes for one man. Luckily, he was the most attractive man in all of the land. Life is made so much easier when pretty egotistical people love each other.

His name was Eastley. Eastley was the farmhand on Sugarbowl’s family farm and, whenever Sugarbowl would order Eastley to do something like:

“Shovel the manure!” or

“Roll in the manure!” or

“Don’t eat the manure!”

Eastley would respond: “As you wish, my sugar dish.”

It was endearing, if not completely sickening.

Because Eastley was poor, he decided to leave and seek a fortune to be able to marry his bride, but alas, was presumed to be lost at sea or conquered at the hand of the Dread Pilot Hogwarts– a mean old pilot who kidnapped people in hopes that one of them would finally be able to tell him where to find the wizarding world of Harry Potter. Eastley didn’t return for five years.

Sugarbowl looked for Eastley once or twice, but couldn’t find him.

Oh well. She tried.

During this time, the prince, Pumpernickel, was seeking a bride. And, because Sugarbowl accidentally laughed at a joke he told once that she honestly didn’t even get, Pumpernickel requested that she marry him.

Sugarbowl felt she had nothing to live for (even though she was only 25 years old and should’ve gotten a career or a degree or something) and agreed to marry the prince.

Before the wedding, Sugarbowl was feeling particularly angsty and decided to go out for a ride on her favorite horse. While she was stopped on the trail to get a drink of water, three bandits kidnapped her. She protested by yelling a little  bit, but really didn’t care anymore.

Oh well. She tried.

The bandits were characters indeed:

-One bandit was named Linguine. He was the ringleader.

-The second was named Ferret. He was a giant.

-The third was named Francisco De Goya. He was an extremely skilled artist who had always wished he was a swordsman.

The three took the girl onto a boat and they traveled for some time before realizing they were being followed by a man in a helicopter… Dressed in a pilot’s uniform! It must be the Dread Pilot Hogwarts!

They quickly made their way to some cliffs, hoping that the Dread Pilot would not attempt to fly after them and risk crashing. The three bandits, along with the girl, climbed up the side of a cliff, only to realize that the helicopter had already landed on its plateau.

Drat!

Francisco De Goya encouraged the entourage to go ahead as he stayed behind to fight the Dread Pilot. You see, Francisco had been searching for the man who had killed his father for quite some time and figure that the Dread Pilot might be the culprit. The only thing Francisco knew about his father’s murderer was that he was double-jointed. And so, Francisco asked the man,

“You sir! How far back can you bend your thumb?”

The man could only bend his thumb back a little bit. This was not the man who had killed Francisco’s father.

Nonetheless, Francisco attempted to fight the man in the pilot uniform. This was an especially brief fight because Francisco thought that if he just used a sword like a giant paintbrush, he’s be able to thwart this man. He was wrong because a sword is not a paintbrush and because the man had a gun, which trumps a sword any day.

Francisco retreated and allowed the man to pursue Sugarbowl and the others.

However, not far from the cliffs, Ferret was waiting. He said to the man dressed as a pilot:

“I will fight you. I am kindhearted and lovable, but I will still crush your skull.”

The thing was, Ferret was not very bright. The mystery man was easily able to defeat Ferret by challenging him to a breath-holding contest. The man, obviously, won.

While Ferret was passed out, the man quickly ran after Linguine and Sugarbowl.

Linguine thought to himself, “I am very smart. I will challenge this mystery pilot man to a duel of the minds.”

And so, Linguine told the man:

“I am challenging you to a battle of wits! If you can answer this riddle, you may slice me through the middle!”

Graphic, but effective.

Here was the riddle Linguine proposed:

“I can be thin and flexible,

Yet at times snap and break,

I can be dry as a desert,

Or can stick like wet paint–”

Linguine was proud of his clever little riddle until the mystery pilot man quickly answered–

“Linguine!”

“Yes?” Linguine responded.

“No! The answer is linguine!” the man exclaimed.

It was true. Linguine thought that if the answer was so obvious, it would seem stupid to guess it. Linguine shouted:

“UNBELIEVABLE!”

And the man killed Linguine right then and there. Sad, but true.

The mystery man took the Sugarbowl’s hand and ran toward the nearby forest. Sugarbowl got extremely annoyed with all of this running and being run around, so she began to throw a fit. Then, she got tired of throwing a fit, so just started whining about how much her  feet hurt.

Oh well. She tried.

When the two reached the edge of the forest, the man looked at Sugarbowl and said, “Here we are– at the edge of the forest. We are going in and may not come out alive especially because the forest is made of deadly candy. Watch out for the Pop Rock lava, Fun Dip quicksand, and R.O.U.S.s.”

Sugarbowl began to cry and, out of anger and sheer diva selfishness, she kicked the pilot in the shin. Then, she of course felt guilty about it and whined–

“Please forgive me!”

The man immediately responded, “As you wish, sugar dish.”

GASP! GASP! GAAAAASP!

It was Eastley!

Sugarbowl felt mildly guilty for kicking him in the shins, but very happy that she would be traveling into this treacherous forest with someone she truly loved.

The two held hands and entered the forest together.

Eastley explained that, when he had left five years ago, he had gotten on the wrong flight at the airport and found himself on the Dread Pilot Hogwarts’s plane. However, the Dread Pilot was nowhere to be found– he had just stranded the plane on the tarmac with a note that read:

“If you found this plane, it now belongs to you. Keep my legacy alive. I am the sorting hat and you are now the Dread Pilot Hogwarts.”

Cryptic, but Eastley couldn’t resist.

So he acted as the Dread Pilot Hogwarts until he realized he had much more to live for.

Eastley and Sugarbowl gingerly made their way through the forest. They dodged stray pop rocks, avoided taking a dip in some quicksand, and, well, there weren’t any R.O.U.Ss yet–

Wait.

What was that sound–

Ah! IT WAS A GIANT RAZZLE!

A.

RAZZLE.

OF.

UNUSUAL.

SIZE.

The worst part was that when you tried to cut them up, slice them, or dice them, they would just turn into a sticky mess of gum and trap you!

Eastley was being attacked on all sides, but only for five minutes because once he held the Razzles back long enough, they solidified and became as hard as a rock. Razzles have never been a candy with much endurance.

They made it out of the woods just in time to be met on the other side of the forest by Prince Pumpernickel–

WHATTT?!

Pumpernickel captured Eastley and put him into the Pit of Rotten Pears. It was just a giant pit of rotten pears. Disgusting. Eastley passed out from the shear smell of the rotted fruit.

Pumpernickel then took Sugarbowl back to the castle and told her that she must marry him, or else be thrown into the Pit of Rotten Pears herself. As much as she loved Eastley, Sugarbowl hated pears more– and hated rotten pears even more so. So, she’d marry Pumpernickel she guessed.

Oh well. She tried.

Meanwhile, Francisco De Goya and Ferret were looking for Eastley. They knew he must’ve been a very special guy to have outsmarted them and also Linguine and wanted him to join their team.

They traveled around the forest and happened on Eastley outside of the Pit of Rotten Pears– he had been pulled out of the pit and left to die by the hand of fruit flies. Or by the wing of fruit flies. Whatever.

They tried to revive Eastley, but to no avail. So, they took him to an Anti-medicine Man. It was a man who was against health remedies. Surely, this man would know how to counteract the effects of fruit– even rotten fruit.

The Anti-medicine Man found that Eastley was only half dead, so he tried to make him smell french fries and painted his face in bacon grease, but these remedies didn’t help. The Anti-medicine Man decided to give up.

But at that moment, the Anti-medicine Man’s wife burst  into the room and yelled–

“You can bring this man back to life and you know it!”

“But the man is half-dead!” her husband retorted.

“Which means he’s half alive!” she responded.

Just then, Eastley awoke! Guess all he needed was a good dose of positivity.

The three made their way to Prince Pumpernickel’s castle. They devised a plan to stop the wedding of Prince Pumpernickel and Sugarbowl by dressing up as Dementors and scaring away the guests– after all, Eastley did have a strangely large variety of Harry Potter-themed costumes in his helicopter.

But they were too late. By the time they had scared away all of the guards, the priest had already declared Pumpernickel and Sugarbowl, “Mawwied.”

Pumpernickel whisked Sugarbowl away to the tower and locked her there. Then, he ran downstairs to kill his father– WAIT.

His plan ALL ALONG was to get married and kill his father so he could become king!

Oh crap.

Good thing Eastley was in the hallway waiting for Pumpernickel to run by so he could trip him. Then, the two began to have an epic sword fight.

Francisco and Ferret came to fight alongside Eastley as well. Now it was three to one. Surely Pumpernickel would be thwarted now. Except, he was a particularly skilled sword fighter because… HE WAS DOUBLE JOINTED.

Francisco then gained the strength of 20 painters and 3 sword fighters, stabbed Prince Pumpernickel through the heart and muttered,

“My name is Franciso De Goya. I am a painter. But also taught myself how to fight. You killed my father. You’re dead now.”

He was.

And so, Sugarbowl decided that the only thing left to do was to marry Francisco De Goya.

After all, Francisco was the one who killed the villain. Eastley was confused. Sugarbowl explained to him that she was only doing the noble thing by marrying the man who had been the bravest, but Eastley didn’t get it.

Oh well. She tried.

THE END.

Rude-olph the Ill-Mannered Reindeer

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Once upon a time at the North Pole, a peculiar reindeer was born.

The reindeer’s parents named their child Rudolph because they forgot to think through names ahead of time and just kind of panicked, so now they were stuck with the dumb name.

Rudolph was not noticeably different than any of the other reindeer born that year. However, as he grew up, it became apparent that Rudolph seriously lacked some manners. It had been hard to tell when he was a baby reindeer because babies can’t control their manners.

When Rudolph started reindeer school, he excelled academically and was even the first in his class to learn how to fly. Unfortunately, Rudolph did terrible things like never thanked his teachers, talked openly about his antlers growing in (a.k.a. Reindeer puberty), peed in the snow and then covered it up so no one would be able to tell, and even ate mass amounts of Mexican food before sleigh practice so that all the reindeer downwind of him would suffer.

The reindeer at school gave him the nickname Rude-olph which, all things considered, is a terrible nickname phonetically speaking.

As the other reindeer began making fun of him, Rude-olph decided that it would probably be best if he ran away, so he did. And he didn’t even leave a note for hiss parents explaining his whereabouts. Rude.

Rude-olph embarked on his journey and, as he was heading toward the outskirts of the North Pole, he ran into (literally) a small elf. The elf’s name was Kirbie.

Kirbie explained that he had always wanted to be a gastroenterologist, but the other elves told him that no one was stressed enough in the North Pole to have digestive problems. Because Kirbie’s friends didn’t support his dream, he too decided to run away. He asked Rude-olph if he could join his journey. Rude-olph said no because Kirbie annoyed the crap out of him (but not literally because the reality was that Rude-olph was pretty constipated from being a jerk all the time).

And so, Rude-olph continued on his journey alone.

Next, he ran into a man named Cornwall. Cornwall was a professional dogsledder who was searching for the fountain of youth. Rude-olph thought that anyone looking for the fountain of youth in Antarctica was an idiot. So, when Cornwall asked if Rude-olph wanted to join his search, Rude-olph told him that Santa wasn’t real and left.

But the further Rude-olph got from the North Pole, the more unsure of himself he became.

Just as Rude-olph was second-guessing his decision to run away, he heard the roars of a terrifying snow monster! Rude-olph ran from the monster toward the sea, broke off an ice chunk, and floated toward the horizon. Then, Rude-olph fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found himself surrounded by piles and piles of clothes. This was weird.

Rude-olph got up and realized he was inside of a very large building. He wandered down the halls and it became apparent that Rude-olph was actually inside of a castle!

The frightened reindeer happened upon the throne room where the king– a very large dog wearing a sweater– was sitting. The king saw Rude-olph and signaled for him to come into the throne room.

Rude-olph did so, but didn’t bow for the king.

The king explained to Rude-olph that he had floated to the island of Misfitting Clothes over night, had been found, and was rescued.

Rude-olph didn’t thank the king or anything for saving him, which was typical.

The king further told Rude-olph that the island was dedicated to all of the clothes that children and adults alike had received from Santa, family, friends, and well-intentioned mother-in-laws during Christmas that just didn’t fit. So many people had received misfitting clothes, but didn’t want to insult their loved ones by returning the gifts, so just sent them to the island.

Rude-olph was bored of this story, so he left the palace and continued on his journey. He didn’t even ask the king how a giant dog in a sweater had become king of the Island of Misfitting Clothes. This was particularly rude, both to the dog who loved telling his backstory, and to those of you reading the story because it will nag you forever.

Day and night Rude-olph traveled, until the morning of Christmas Eve. That morning, Rude-olph awoke to the roaring of the monster again. But this time, it was too late! The monster snatched up Rude-olph and took the helpless reindeer back to his cave.

As Rude-olph struggled to escape, the monster said to him– (What? You just assumed the monster was too primitive to talk? Who’s the rude one here?)–

“Tiny reindeer! My name is the Abdominal Snowman. They call me abdominal because I’ve had a tummy ache for 45 years and that’s why I’m so cranky! Arggghh!!!”

This cleared a lot of things up for Rude-olph:

  1. For years, the reindeer had been calling this monster the Abominable Snowman.
  2. It made a lot of sense why this guy was roaring all the time. Tummy aches are the worst.
  3. Rude-olph now knew how he could get out of this cave.

“Mr. Snowman,” Rude-olph began, “I have a friend who can help you. He is a gastroenterologist and can assist with your tummy troubles.”

This was a breakthrough moment for Rude-olph because he had never referred to anyone as “Mr.” or “friend.” He had also never offered to help anyone ever, and never ever referred to stomach problems as “tummy troubles.”

The Abdominal Snowman was willing to try anything, so he followed Rude-olph across the tundra, over the sea, and to the North Pole.

Rude-olph found Kirbie exactly where he left him months ago. Kirbie had set up a campsite because he realized that soon, the elves might need a gastroenterologist and, when they did, he was going to be ready to help and also gloat in the process.

Kirbie had never treated a creature with quite so large a digestive system as the Abdominal Snowman, but after a few tests, Kirbie found that the snowman had an intolerance to dairy which made a lot of sense. For his entire life, the only thing the Abdominal Snowman drank was eggnog.

The Abdominal Snowman was cured just in time for Christmas!

When Rude-olph realized how good it felt to help someone, he knew the only thing left to do was to apologize to everyone he had been rude to for so many years.

He returned to Santa’s village and apologized to his friends for always farting in their faces, to his teachers for being disrespectful, and to Santa for always giving him a hard time about his weight.

Rude-olph– er, Rudolph– was forgiven by all.

However, there was a bigger crisis: Santa was looking at the radar and saw that there was wing-to-wing traffic all over the skies of the Eastern seaboard! They’d never deliver all the gifts in time!

Then, Santa remembered how pushy and rude Rudolph had been, and pushiness always helps when trying to navigate traffic. Santa looked at Rudolph and said,

“Rudolph with your terrible manners and mouth so loud, won’t you navigate my sleigh through this crowd?”

And Rudolph agreed to help.

All through the skies that night, Rudolph yelled and screamed and swore a little bit at planes and birds and even a fighter jet, but Santa eventually delivered all of the presents.

So, Rudolph and Santa and Kirbie and the Abdominal Snowman and presumably Cornwall (although no one ever really heard from him again) lived happily ever after.

THE END.