Mary Shoppins


Once upon a time, there were two children named Pain and Smile.

Pain and Smile were terrible children. They misbehaved themselves and disobeyed their parents regularly. Although, in their defense, their father was very strict and had unrealistic expectations. Furthermore, their mother was rarely around as she was often out protesting high ice cream prices– a worthy cause, true, but not an excuse to neglect her children.

As a result, the children’s father, Mr. Stinks, decided to place an ad for a nanny for the children. While the children thought it might be a good idea to lend their ideas for qualifications, they knew their father, well, STANK.

So, while Mr. Stinks placed his ad for a nanny in the newspaper, the children whispered their ad in the ear of a carrier pigeon because they were savvy enough to know that print media is dead anyway.

The next day, an array of very boring nannies showed up to the Stink household, but even Mr. Stink knew that these nannies would not be able to handle his children’s antics. He nearly gave up all hope, until he opened the door to see her: Mary Shoppins.

Mary Shoppins was wearing a bright red pencil skirt and blazer, ruffled shirt, and tasteful brimmed hat with a large feather sticking out of the top. Her black patent leather pumps clicked on wood floor as she made her way into the house.

“Well, Mr. Stinks,” she said matter-of-factly, “This will do. This will do just fine.”

“But you haven’t be hired yet Mrs.?–”

“Shoppins, sir.”

He should’ve guessed. She was very fashionable and held in her hand an oversized Saks Fifth Avenue bag.

“I’m qualified based on your advertisement Mr. Stinks. You said you wanted someone with whimsy, creativity, and a fashion sense.” Mrs. Shoppins handed Mr. Stinks a scrap of paper with notes transcribed on it.

Mr. Stinks took the paper and exclaimed, “This is not the ad I sent out! My ad said I was looking for a nanny who was stingy, with aggressivity, and common sense.”

But it looked as if Mr. Stinks had no choice. He was sick of interviews and figured this woman would quit her job soon enough.

Mary Shoppins went upstairs to meet Pain and Smile. They were both making a mess of their rooms and throwing things out the windows because they were looking for their parents’ love and affection.

Mary Shoppins knew this wouldn’t do. She set her shopping bag on the floor and dug through it to find… A roomba! This would certainly help clean up the mess. She continued to look through the bag and also pulled out a broom, a dustpan, and two hazmat suits. This was a magical shopping bag indeed.

The new nanny told the children that they must clean the entirety of the upstairs. They protested until she told them her secret: To eat a spoonful of sugar every time they cleaned up an item.

The time passed quickly and soon, the children went out to run errands with Mary. Mary Shoppins introduced the children to her longtime friend, Spurt. Spurt was so called because he went through a growth spurt every few years, which would force him to regularly change careers. He had started out as a stock car racer, changed to being a basketball star, and then changed to being a chimney sweep because he was basically half the size of a chimney anyway.

Spurt and Mary took the children to a museum and, maybe it was magic (or the fact that Pain and Smile ate at least 4 cups of sugar apiece), but the group JUMPED INTO A PAINTING of a carnival. They spent the entire day there– playing games, eating more junk food, and buying tons of stuffed animals. At the end of the day, they jumped out of the picture, exhausted and ready for bed.

The children had many adventures and, in most of these experiences, they ate junk food and shopped. But one day, Mary Shoppins spoke with Mr. Stinks:

“Sir, I’ve been taking care of your children and bribing them into good behavior with sugar and shopping– a method proven effective by millions of experts– but I think it’s time you looked after your children for a day.”

Mr. Stinks didn’t want to do this, but he knew that Mary Shoppins wouldn’t leave him alone until he took his children to work at the garbage plant. Yes, Mr. Stinks worked at a garbage plant. Surprising?

The next day, Pain and Smiles went to work with their father. It was a good thing they already had hazmat suits.

Unfortunately, as children often do, Pain and Smiles decided it would be more fun to make fun crafts out of the garbage at the plant than to sort it. For this, Mr. Stinks’ boss called him into his office.

“Stinks,” the boss grumbled, “You’ve been with the plant for as long as I can remember, but you’ve never brought your children into work. Unfortunately, I wish you had never brought your children to work with you. That is far too progressive, so I’m firing you. Children are annoying nuisances that deserve to be left with nannies only.”

And that’s when Mr. Stinks realized: He loved his children far more than he loved his job. Hey, his job stank.

Mr. Stinks ran out of the boss’ office and yelled to his children: “Come, youngsters! You and I are going to grab a bite!”

And so, the three met with their mother at the local ice cream parlor and grabbed a bite. From then on, the family stayed together and never needed a nanny again.

As for Mary Shoppins, she finally married Spurt already and still, to this day, nannies children whose parents neglect them and whose fashion needs a boost.

And they all lived happily ever after.



Author: Madisson

I am a storyteller by nature. I am a joke-teller by choice.

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