Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden named Sugarbowl.
She was, of course, the most beautiful maiden in all of the land because she was blonde and thin and laughed at boys’ jokes even when she didn’t think they were that funny– or worse, didn’t even understand them. For this reason, every single male in all of the land wanted to marry her.
But Sugarbowl only had eyes for one man. Luckily, he was the most attractive man in all of the land. Life is made so much easier when pretty egotistical people love each other.
His name was Eastley. Eastley was the farmhand on Sugarbowl’s family farm and, whenever Sugarbowl would order Eastley to do something like:
“Shovel the manure!” or
“Roll in the manure!” or
“Don’t eat the manure!”
Eastley would respond: “As you wish, my sugar dish.”
It was endearing, if not completely sickening.
Because Eastley was poor, he decided to leave and seek a fortune to be able to marry his bride, but alas, was presumed to be lost at sea or conquered at the hand of the Dread Pilot Hogwarts– a mean old pilot who kidnapped people in hopes that one of them would finally be able to tell him where to find the wizarding world of Harry Potter. Eastley didn’t return for five years.
Sugarbowl looked for Eastley once or twice, but couldn’t find him.
Oh well. She tried.
During this time, the prince, Pumpernickel, was seeking a bride. And, because Sugarbowl accidentally laughed at a joke he told once that she honestly didn’t even get, Pumpernickel requested that she marry him.
Sugarbowl felt she had nothing to live for (even though she was only 25 years old and should’ve gotten a career or a degree or something) and agreed to marry the prince.
Before the wedding, Sugarbowl was feeling particularly angsty and decided to go out for a ride on her favorite horse. While she was stopped on the trail to get a drink of water, three bandits kidnapped her. She protested by yelling a little bit, but really didn’t care anymore.
Oh well. She tried.
The bandits were characters indeed:
-One bandit was named Linguine. He was the ringleader.
-The second was named Ferret. He was a giant.
-The third was named Francisco De Goya. He was an extremely skilled artist who had always wished he was a swordsman.
The three took the girl onto a boat and they traveled for some time before realizing they were being followed by a man in a helicopter… Dressed in a pilot’s uniform! It must be the Dread Pilot Hogwarts!
They quickly made their way to some cliffs, hoping that the Dread Pilot would not attempt to fly after them and risk crashing. The three bandits, along with the girl, climbed up the side of a cliff, only to realize that the helicopter had already landed on its plateau.
Francisco De Goya encouraged the entourage to go ahead as he stayed behind to fight the Dread Pilot. You see, Francisco had been searching for the man who had killed his father for quite some time and figure that the Dread Pilot might be the culprit. The only thing Francisco knew about his father’s murderer was that he was double-jointed. And so, Francisco asked the man,
“You sir! How far back can you bend your thumb?”
The man could only bend his thumb back a little bit. This was not the man who had killed Francisco’s father.
Nonetheless, Francisco attempted to fight the man in the pilot uniform. This was an especially brief fight because Francisco thought that if he just used a sword like a giant paintbrush, he’s be able to thwart this man. He was wrong because a sword is not a paintbrush and because the man had a gun, which trumps a sword any day.
Francisco retreated and allowed the man to pursue Sugarbowl and the others.
However, not far from the cliffs, Ferret was waiting. He said to the man dressed as a pilot:
“I will fight you. I am kindhearted and lovable, but I will still crush your skull.”
The thing was, Ferret was not very bright. The mystery man was easily able to defeat Ferret by challenging him to a breath-holding contest. The man, obviously, won.
While Ferret was passed out, the man quickly ran after Linguine and Sugarbowl.
Linguine thought to himself, “I am very smart. I will challenge this mystery pilot man to a duel of the minds.”
And so, Linguine told the man:
“I am challenging you to a battle of wits! If you can answer this riddle, you may slice me through the middle!”
Graphic, but effective.
Here was the riddle Linguine proposed:
“I can be thin and flexible,
Yet at times snap and break,
I can be dry as a desert,
Or can stick like wet paint–”
Linguine was proud of his clever little riddle until the mystery pilot man quickly answered–
“Yes?” Linguine responded.
“No! The answer is linguine!” the man exclaimed.
It was true. Linguine thought that if the answer was so obvious, it would seem stupid to guess it. Linguine shouted:
And the man killed Linguine right then and there. Sad, but true.
The mystery man took the Sugarbowl’s hand and ran toward the nearby forest. Sugarbowl got extremely annoyed with all of this running and being run around, so she began to throw a fit. Then, she got tired of throwing a fit, so just started whining about how much her feet hurt.
Oh well. She tried.
When the two reached the edge of the forest, the man looked at Sugarbowl and said, “Here we are– at the edge of the forest. We are going in and may not come out alive especially because the forest is made of deadly candy. Watch out for the Pop Rock lava, Fun Dip quicksand, and R.O.U.S.s.”
Sugarbowl began to cry and, out of anger and sheer diva selfishness, she kicked the pilot in the shin. Then, she of course felt guilty about it and whined–
“Please forgive me!”
The man immediately responded, “As you wish, sugar dish.”
GASP! GASP! GAAAAASP!
It was Eastley!
Sugarbowl felt mildly guilty for kicking him in the shins, but very happy that she would be traveling into this treacherous forest with someone she truly loved.
The two held hands and entered the forest together.
Eastley explained that, when he had left five years ago, he had gotten on the wrong flight at the airport and found himself on the Dread Pilot Hogwarts’s plane. However, the Dread Pilot was nowhere to be found– he had just stranded the plane on the tarmac with a note that read:
“If you found this plane, it now belongs to you. Keep my legacy alive. I am the sorting hat and you are now the Dread Pilot Hogwarts.”
Cryptic, but Eastley couldn’t resist.
So he acted as the Dread Pilot Hogwarts until he realized he had much more to live for.
Eastley and Sugarbowl gingerly made their way through the forest. They dodged stray pop rocks, avoided taking a dip in some quicksand, and, well, there weren’t any R.O.U.Ss yet–
What was that sound–
Ah! IT WAS A GIANT RAZZLE!
The worst part was that when you tried to cut them up, slice them, or dice them, they would just turn into a sticky mess of gum and trap you!
Eastley was being attacked on all sides, but only for five minutes because once he held the Razzles back long enough, they solidified and became as hard as a rock. Razzles have never been a candy with much endurance.
They made it out of the woods just in time to be met on the other side of the forest by Prince Pumpernickel–
Pumpernickel captured Eastley and put him into the Pit of Rotten Pears. It was just a giant pit of rotten pears. Disgusting. Eastley passed out from the shear smell of the rotted fruit.
Pumpernickel then took Sugarbowl back to the castle and told her that she must marry him, or else be thrown into the Pit of Rotten Pears herself. As much as she loved Eastley, Sugarbowl hated pears more– and hated rotten pears even more so. So, she’d marry Pumpernickel she guessed.
Oh well. She tried.
Meanwhile, Francisco De Goya and Ferret were looking for Eastley. They knew he must’ve been a very special guy to have outsmarted them and also Linguine and wanted him to join their team.
They traveled around the forest and happened on Eastley outside of the Pit of Rotten Pears– he had been pulled out of the pit and left to die by the hand of fruit flies. Or by the wing of fruit flies. Whatever.
They tried to revive Eastley, but to no avail. So, they took him to an Anti-medicine Man. It was a man who was against health remedies. Surely, this man would know how to counteract the effects of fruit– even rotten fruit.
The Anti-medicine Man found that Eastley was only half dead, so he tried to make him smell french fries and painted his face in bacon grease, but these remedies didn’t help. The Anti-medicine Man decided to give up.
But at that moment, the Anti-medicine Man’s wife burst into the room and yelled–
“You can bring this man back to life and you know it!”
“But the man is half-dead!” her husband retorted.
“Which means he’s half alive!” she responded.
Just then, Eastley awoke! Guess all he needed was a good dose of positivity.
The three made their way to Prince Pumpernickel’s castle. They devised a plan to stop the wedding of Prince Pumpernickel and Sugarbowl by dressing up as Dementors and scaring away the guests– after all, Eastley did have a strangely large variety of Harry Potter-themed costumes in his helicopter.
But they were too late. By the time they had scared away all of the guards, the priest had already declared Pumpernickel and Sugarbowl, “Mawwied.”
Pumpernickel whisked Sugarbowl away to the tower and locked her there. Then, he ran downstairs to kill his father– WAIT.
His plan ALL ALONG was to get married and kill his father so he could become king!
Good thing Eastley was in the hallway waiting for Pumpernickel to run by so he could trip him. Then, the two began to have an epic sword fight.
Francisco and Ferret came to fight alongside Eastley as well. Now it was three to one. Surely Pumpernickel would be thwarted now. Except, he was a particularly skilled sword fighter because… HE WAS DOUBLE JOINTED.
Francisco then gained the strength of 20 painters and 3 sword fighters, stabbed Prince Pumpernickel through the heart and muttered,
“My name is Franciso De Goya. I am a painter. But also taught myself how to fight. You killed my father. You’re dead now.”
And so, Sugarbowl decided that the only thing left to do was to marry Francisco De Goya.
After all, Francisco was the one who killed the villain. Eastley was confused. Sugarbowl explained to him that she was only doing the noble thing by marrying the man who had been the bravest, but Eastley didn’t get it.
Oh well. She tried.