Once upon a time, there was a cranky old man named Everwheezer Stooge.
Do not let this man’s name fool you– he was not a stooge for he worked for no one. Rather, he was a very smart, very rich, very old man. All of these factors aided his cranky disposition, but he was even crankier than the average smart, rich, old man.
This Christmas, Mr. Stooge was older than he had ever been before and was making his only employee, Rob Matchett, work on Christmas Day. This was a terrible thing for Mr. Stooge to do, but he didn’t care because the one thing he cared about most in life was money.
On Christmas Eve, Mr. Stooge went to bed after eating his warm cabbage water (for that is what he ate every night… maybe that’s why he was so cranky).
He was awoken by a gust of chilling wind through his room. He saw, at the foot of his bed, a ghost! It was his old friend– Will Harley (The grandfather of the co-founder of Harley-Davidson).
Will Harley was wearing hundreds of bicycle chains and spoke in a spooky voice to Mr. Stooge,
“Boogity woogity-” (for that is what all ghosts say) “–I am the ghost of your friend Will Harley. These bicycle chains represent all of the times I bamboozled people into buying something they don’t need.”
This was concerning as Mr. Stooge had done the very same thing countless times before. Although, it did make Stooge curious about what his metaphorical “bike chains” would be because he just pretended to work every day and when people came into the storefront, he pick-pocketed them. Was he going to be covered in pockets?
Harley continued, “You will be visited tonight by three ghosts who will show you the err of your ways and attempt to change your heart before it is too late and you end up like me!”
Then, Harley disappeared.
No matter. Stooge didn’t care. He had probably just eaten some listeria-infested cabbage tonight which had resulted in hallucination and would sleep it off.
But no sooner had Stooge thought about this than a visitor was in his room once again!
This guy looked familiar and he spoke,
“Boogity woogity– I am the ghost of Christmas past and you may recognize me as Julius Caesar. Honestly, I meant to show up to Brutus tonight, but you’re almost as big of a jerk, so this works too.”
Julius Caesar took Stooge to his old high school which is the very worst place for anyone to have to go when he’s wearing his pajamas. Luckily, Stooge was invisible by association because he was with a ghost.
Stooge and Caesar watched as past Stooge joked with his old school chums and they saw that Stooge quite enjoyed celebrating Christmas with his friends. However, one Christmas as a schoolboy, Stooge had his face shoved in the snow and he also got his tongue stuck on an ice cube once, so that ruined Christmas for him forever.
But viewing these memories did not make Stooge want to change his ways. So, Caesar took Stooge back home and, while he was disappointed that Stooge had not yet decided to change, he recognized that Rome wasn’t built in a day, so he wasn’t worried.
Almost immediately, another ghost appeared– the ghost of Christmas present!
It was just a giant present. Like, a gift. It’s a play on words.
The Present spoke to Stooge,
“Boogity woogity– I have come to show you the present. But not me. I mean, the ‘present’ as in, the measure of time.”
The Present took Stooge to Rob Matchett’s small house. They peered into the windows and Stooge saw Rob surrounded by his whole family… of cats. In fact, Rob lived entirely alone except he had, like, 30 cats. But there was one cat in particular that was especially cute, named Little Jim. But Little Jim had worms and Rob couldn’t afford medicine for the poor kitten on his current salary.
The Present took Stooge back home and had wanted to wrap the whole thing up and get Stooge to repent, but still Stooge was not willing to admit his wrongdoings. The Present left (as it often does) and the next ghost appeared.
It was the ghost of Christmas future– Marty McFly!
So, it wasn’t really a ghost at all. Marty had just taken a wrong turn somewhere. But now he was obligated to show Stooge his future.
Marty told Stooge that if he continued being cranky, three things would happen:
- Stooge would die a lonely man.
- Little Jim (the kitten) would die of worms.
- Stooge’s business would continue to make money and eventually be bought by Biff Tannen. The business would subsequently established as Biff’s most successful should Stooge continue a corporate culture of greediness.
This was all terrible, but the last thing was most terrible of all.
Marty McFly had to leave, but it was his visit that caused Stooge to have a change of heart (which is incredibly embarrassing because Marty wasn’t even a ghost).
Stooge saw that he had been terribly mean, that his actions would have long term consequences, and that only a monster would allow Little Jim to die.
On Christmas morning, Stooge ran outside and began singing and dancing and yelling, “Merry Christmas! Boogity woogity!” (it was a force of habit).
Stooge bought a year’s supply of canned tuna and skipped to Rob’s house. When Rob saw that his cats could be fed for the foreseeable future, he began to cry. Then, Stooge gave money to Rob to buy medicine for his kitten.
Stooge returned to his business and began to destroy the building with a sledge hammer because no way was Biff Tannen ever going to take this place over in like 120 years!
Stooge still did die alone because he had changed too late in his life and had no family. But at least Little Jim lived another eight years and Rob Matchett did marry eventually. Marty McFly was one of his descendents (which explains George McFly’s spinelessness and inability to stand up to authority).
It was the best Christmas in recent history. And so, in the adorable words of Little Jim:
“Meow meow moew, meow meow meow.”
(Translation: God bless us every one).