Once upon a time, there lived two princesses who were sisters.
One sister was pretty normal. The other had a gift.
I know that you think this is going in the direction of a sibling rivalry or something, but I’m going to smash your hopes right now because it isn’t. There was no rivalry.
In fact, the sisters got along quite well.
The normal sister’s name was Lana and she loved to do things like play outside in the snow, go fishing, and dream about the day her prince would come to sweep her off her feet.
The gifted sister’s name was Elma. She was born with the ability to be bold in the face of danger, even to a fault. Elma would often take Lana on adventures throughout the nearby village, with nothing but a bottle of pepper spray to ward off those who might be willing to steal their crowns. One time, when the kingdom was running out of food with which to feed the people, Elma went into the woods alone and killed three moose and a bear for meat to feed the kingdom. She was three years old
But one day, something terrible happened. Elma was playing a game with Lana where she had her sister balance an apple on her head while she shot at the apple with a bow and arrow. In an act of boldness, confidence, and terrible stupidity, Elma shot the arrow and it grazed Lana’s ear!
Lana passed out because she couldn’t stand the sound of blood and, when their parents saw Lana on the floor bleeding, they freaked out and took her to some nearby doctors.
Okay, they weren’t doctors. They were magic talking blocks. Yes. Like, the blocks that children play with.
The king and queen were desperate, okay?
The king asked the leader of the blocks:
“Mr. Buster?” for that was his name, “Can you heal our daughter?”
Mr. Buster was the oldest of all of the blocks. You can tell because he had an old-timey name: Block Buster.
Mr. Buster paused and said, “Dear king, your child will be fine, for her ear has only been grazed and we blocks have done far worse to your feet before.”
This was true.
But Mr. Buster continued, “However, your daughter Elma is the one who must be saved from herself. For that child is bold and brazen and cannot be contained.”
The king and queen were sad to hear this. They knew that this meant they’d have to lock Elma up forever and never let her meet anyone because it would mean they might be embarrassed by her actions.
And that’s what they did.
Years later, the king and queen went on an overseas trip to meet some distant relatives and never returned.
Lana grew into a beautiful girl whose insatiable curiosity made it very difficult for Elma to remain locked up in her room. With each passing day of her confinement, Elma grew more and more frightened and resentful– despising her own bravery, yet wishing she could wield it once again.
When the girls turned 21, a coronation celebration was held at the palace. Elma became nervous because she didn’t know if such a large celebration would cause her to be thrown into an act of bravery and heroism.
Lana was only concerned about meeting the princes in attendance.
Incidentally, Lana did meet a prince named Lance, and he proposed to her.
Elma was so taken aback by this development that she began to do crazy, dare-devilish things like pulling tablecloths from beneath fully-set tables or leaning on the back two legs of her chair.
Everyone began to notice that Elma was being rather bold and the guests began saying things like,
“What is Elma doing? Princesses shouldn’t be that brave!” or
“Women are meant to be dainty. She’s not acting dainty.” and
“I want to learn that tablecloth trick!”
Eventually, the entire party was in an uproar and began protesting their newly crowned queen. Elma saw no other choice than to run into the nearby woods and up a mountain.
She also decided to sing a song because it made her feel empowered. But that’s inconsequential.
Lana decided to run after her sister and left Lance in control of the kingdom while she was gone.
On her way, Lana realized that she was not nearly as brave as her sister and she would need a companion on her journey. She stopped at a lodge on the mountain and hired a man named Laughoff to lead her to her sister. His name was Laughoff because his parents were mean and used to laugh off all of his problems. That’s probably why he was such a cranky tour guide.
As they neared Elma’s mountain fortress (for she was brave enough to gather all of the building materials by hand without even any equipment), Lana noticed that small avalanches were forming all over the mountain because it was not accustomed to supporting the structural integrity of a large mountain fortress.
She had to tell Elma right away!
Elma saw Lana and began to get scared.
Lana said, “Elma– don’t be afraid. You must come home. Your act of bravery has caused this mountain to begin to collapse. If you stay here, the entire kingdom shall surely be ruined!”
She began doing insane things like clog dancing without clog shoes on, or holding her breath for more than three minutes. Then, without warning, she began to throw basketballs at Lana at an alarming rate while shouting, “Catch!” with each ball she tossed.
Eventually, a basketball hit Lana in the face and she blacked out because she could smell her nose bleeding.
Laughoff quickly took Lana back to the village, where Lance was waiting.
When Lana woke up, she looked at her nose in the mirror and saw that it was broken! She became upset and thought to herself,
“If my nose is crooked, I can never be a queen. I must get Lance to marry me because he loves my personality. He is my only hope!”
At that moment, she realized that Lance had been standing in the corner of the room like a major creep.
He came over to Lana and said, “My dear Lana, your nose is broken and I have a fortune which could fix your crooked nose with plastic surgery.”
Lana was relieved.
“But,” Lance continued, “I’m not going to marry you.”
Lana was not relieved.
“I will not marry you, Lana. Instead, I will allow you to live life as nothing but a wannabe queen and I will watch your sister get buried in rubble!” Lance laughed maniacally.
Never trust a guy named Lance.
Lana began to cry, but then she stopped because her nose wasn’t draining properly.
Back on the mountain, palace guards found and seized Elma. They locked her up in the dungeon and planned for her execution. And, despite her brave attempts to escape the cell using nothing but a fork and a couple of toothpicks, Elma found that even she was not bold enough to break out of this situation.
But just as things began to look grim, a giant boulder crashed into the palace. Elma’s cell broke open and she ran to find her sister.
At that moment, Lana was running to find Elma too.
But Elma found Lance first. Lance explained (lied) to Elma that he had found Lana amongst the rubble and that she had died. He then explained (lied) that he would be willing to free Elma if she promised never to be bold again.
Just as Elma was prepared to agree with this, Lance raised a stone high above his head in hopes that he could bring it down on Elma and break her nose too.
At that moment, Lana ran in front of Elma to protect her and the stone came down on her nose. Ouch!
Many palace servants had seen the altercation and seized Lance because they could never trust him again.
Elma got up and quickly carried her sister– who was passed out again– to the magic blocks her parents had taken her to when she was a child.
Much to Elma’s surprise, the magic blocks were able to set Lana’s newly broken nose so it wouldn’t heal crooked!
They had a block party to celebrate.
And so, Elma and Lana lived happily ever after. Even if Elma was a little brazen sometimes.