Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Ned Ryding.
Ned was a regular boy between the ages of 4 & 14 (honestly, I’m not sure exactly how old he was. I’m not his mom, ok?)
One day, Little Ned’s mother wanted him to take some sweets to his grandma’s house in the forest. However, all of the authority figures in Ned’s life had a habit of starting to ask him to do something, but always neglected to finish their thoughts. They would say things like,
“Ned, it’s snowing outside. You should” or
“Ned, it’s your birthday. You should” or
“Ned, I’m dying. You should”
All things considered, it was a potentially lethal issue.
So, when his mother wanted him to take the sweets to his grandma’s house, she really said, “Ned! Your grandma is sick and would like some sweets. You should”
But he could inference pretty well by now, so this request was fairly straightforward.
Ned’s mother asking him to do this was more of a test than anything. She just wanted to see if he would, in fact, take the sweets into the forest without eating them before he arrived at grandma’s house.
So, Ned embarked on his journey all alone (which would be either really normal or really terrifying, depending on if he was 4 years old or 14 years old…).
The trip was fairly uneventful as he passed trees and cabins of all shapes and sizes, but soon, he found himself deeper into the forest where wolves and other nefarious creatures were known to be lurking.
One of these creatures was following Ned. It was a wolverine. [At this time, if you do not know what a wolverine looks like, click here. Wolverines are small and weasly and mildly terrifying.]
The wolverine had been studying Ned’s every move and thought, “This boy, Ned, is going to visit his grandma! I should”
Drat. I’d really like to know what that wolverine is planning to do.
As Ned traversed down the path, he began to nervous-eat. Nervous eating is the worst kind of eating because it’s the type of eating that can seldom be stopped. For, the more you eat out of nervous compulsion, the more you want to eat because you realize that you can’t be quite as nervous when you’re thinking about how delicious pastries are!
Soon, all of the treats for Ned’s grandma were gone.
And Ned arrived at his grandma’s house.
Ned knocked on the door in terror because he knew that his grandma had quite the sweet tooth and would most definitely give him a hard time and compare him to her deadbeat ex-husband again.
The door opened slowly and Ned saw his grandma laying in bed, with the covers pulled up to her chin. Ned never did figure out how in the world his grandma managed to open the door from her bed, but I digress…
His grandma whispered, “Come here, my dear.”
Ned walked toward his grandma, but thought she looked different than normal.
“Grandma, what short and stubby legs you have!” he said.
She responded, “All the better to use as an excuse to make you sweep my floor, my dear.”
“Grandma, what small eyes you have!” Ned added.
“All the better to glare at you with when I’m disappointed in your manners,” she quipped.
“Grandma, what oily fur you have!” Ned replied.
“Okay. Now you’re just being disrespectful like your rotten grandfather and my ex-husband. You deserve a hefty punishment. You should”
And because Ned didn’t know what he “should” do, he did every chore he could possibly think of at his grandma’s house until he went home a few days later.
Wait a second. That really WAS Ned’s grandma?!
But, what about the wolverine?
Well, turns out, the wolverine was clever and tricky and had actually decided not to pursue ruining Ned’s life because his life was already hard enough, what with having to predict what his friends and family wanted from him most of the time. Instead, the wolverine headed to Hollywood and negotiated a licensing deal to give 20th Century Fox full rights to his entire species name for the Wolverine movie series. What can I say? Wolverines are ugly, but they aren’t dumb.
So, the wolverine lived happily ever after, as did Ned’s grandma.
And after his mother finished grounding him for eating all of his grandma’s snacks, so did Ned. Just as Ned should.