Once upon a time, there was a princess who really hated nature.
But once each year, on the warmest day of the summer, she would venture outdoors and take a walk in the woods surrounding the kingdom.
One year, the princess went on her walk in the woods as she did each year prior. She went alone because she doesn’t know the rules of hiking safety. For your reference, the rules of hiking safety are:
- Never go hiking alone.
- Never wear perfume while hiking.
- Never wear heels while hiking.
- Never go hiking on an empty stomach.
- Never go hiking after swimming.
- Never hike between noon and 2:30.
- Only go hiking if you have food to feed bears.
- Never go hiking if you can’t talk to trees.
- Never go hiking. It’s terrible and you’ll probably get ticks.
- There are no rules in hiking.
And, usually, the princess decided to abide by 8/10 of these rules. Usually.
This time, she only decided to follow 7/10 of the rules. Very shameful indeed.
On her hike all alone (strike one), the princess was playing with one of her favorite trinkets– a strand of pearls she had received for her most recent birthday. (Princesses don’t have REAL toys. They have jewels and gold and crap like that. They don’t even know what toys are. Who needs a teddy bear when you can just cuddle with a giant diamond?).
Suddenly, the strand of pearls broke and hundreds of the tiny spheres jumped over the trail of the forest. The princess knelt on the ground and frantically gathered what pearls she could before she had lost them all. Daddy was trying to teach her responsibility– even though she didn’t think it would ever be of any use to her– and he would surely be upset if she returned with a string and no pearls.
As she was searching, the princess heard something scurry onto the trail in front of her. She lifted her head and saw a creature she was unfamiliar with because she didn’t go into nature much.
When the princess looked at the creature, it began to… laugh? Yes! It was laughing– and snorting– it was snorting and laughing!
“Hey! You, creature!” the princess cried, “What’s so funny?”
“Don’t you get it? It’s hilarious!” the creature responded.
“Get what?” the princess asked confusedly.
“I’m a pig, and you broke your necklace–”
“You’re a pig?” the princess asked, still confused. The pig was now laughing so hard that he was rolling on the muddy ground. Or maybe he just wanted to roll on the muddy ground. Who knows.
“I can’t handle it anymore!” the pig squealed, “PEARLS BEFORE SWINE! That’s what’s so funny– you– you– you dropped pearls and I’m– I’m–a–a–”
He was hysterical.
The princess was confused all the more.
“Wait,” she interrupted, “I thought you said you were a pig, not a swine.”
“Wow,” the pig sighed, composing himself, “You really don’t get out much, do you? Say, are you the princess that comes into these woods once a year?”
“Yes,” the princess responded, “How did you know?”
“Well, you’re wearing a crown, for one, and also all of the creatures in the forest recognize the smell of your artificial perfume.” (strike two)
“Will you help me find all of the pearls I’ve lost?” the princess asked.
“Don’t get me started again!” the pig chuckled, “But of course, on one condition.”
“What is that?” the princess asked.
“That you allow me to come back and live in the castle with the royal family.”
And the princess agreed.
But, once the pair had finished cleaning up the pearls and the princess had assembled her pearl necklace once again, the princess reminded the pig of the funny pearls before swine joke again. As the pig was distracted by debilitating laughter, the princess ran to the kingdom as fast as she could!
The next morning, the princess was playing Yahtzee with rubies instead of dice when she heard the snorting of a pig outside of the window.
It was the pig she met yesterday! He had found her!
The princess ran and told her father, the king, about all that had happened the day before and asked what he advised. Obviously, because he was trying to teach his daughter responsibility, the king told his daughter that she must allow the pig to live in the kingdom.
Over the course of the following days, the pig demanded that the princess do ridiculous tasks for him to make up for being a jerk.
First, he told her to feed him breakfast every morning and, instead of using a spoon or fork to feed him, she was to use only a spork because he said he’d always wanted to be “pork that ate with a spork.”
The second thing was, he asked her to buy him a puppy. You guessed it: He had always wanted to be a hog with a dog.
Then, he requested that she tape her nose up to look like a pig every day so he didn’t feel so insecure about being the only pig in the kingdom. There’s no wordplay to go along with that one. He was just self-conscious.
But the oddest thing that he requested of the princess is that, one night, as they were sitting outside together and looking at the stars, she give him a kiss!
“How dare you?!” the princess exclaimed, “What girl would ever kiss a pig?!”
“In my experience, girls kiss pigs all the time and don’t even realize until it’s too late.”
He had a point.
“If I kiss you,” the princess responded, “Will you release me from the duty of doing you favors?”
The pig smiled and let out a small snort.
“What’s so funny?” the princess asked.
“You said ‘duty,'” the pig answered. He continued, “Yes. If you kiss me, I will never ask you to do anything again.”
And so, because the princess didn’t want anything more to do with responsibility, she leaned in and kissed the pig right on the snout.
Just then, before her very eyes, the pig transformed into–
How was this better than a pig?
“Hey! You’re an ugly frog!” the princess exclaimed.
“No,” the now-frog replied, “I turned YOU into a pig!”
“What?!” the princess-now-pig exclaimed, “I did not sign up for this. This is all YOUR fault, whoever you are. Wait a minute. What is your name?”
“Uh, my name is Kermit,” he responded.
And, although we certainly did not see that coming, the two lived happily ever after.