Once upon a time, there lived a man and a woman who were expecting a child.
Next door to this couple lived a cranky old woman named Mother Goggle. She had a beautiful garden, but everyone always made fun of her because she wore safety goggles to trim hedges or mow the grass. This is probably why she was so cranky.
One night, the pregnant wife turned to her husband and said,
“You had better go get me some pickles from Mother Goggle’s garden, or you’re going to sleep on the couch for the rest of the night!”
Who was the husband to argue?
He sneaked into the cranky old lady’s yard and stole some cucumbers. Ironically, he still had to sleep on the couch that night because cucumbers take a while to turn into pickles.
The following morning, the couple received a knock at their cottage door.
It was Mother Goggle!
“You!” She screamed and pointed to the husband, “You stole cucumbers from my garden last night, you imbecile! You will pay for this!”
“How?” The wife retorted, “We have no money, or he would’ve just gone to the store and gotten me some pickles.”
“You will give me the child you are expecting and I will raise her as my own.”
“That’s terrible!” The woman cried, “I wasn’t even supposed to find out the gender until she was born and now you gave it away!”
“It was a guess, ” the old lady replied, “but I’m usually pretty good at these things.”
And so she was, for only a few weeks later, a daughter was born to the couple.
But no sooner was the Rapunzel born (for that was the name the couple chose), than the cranky old woman came to take her from her neighbors.
So as to keep Rapunzel from the outside world, Mother Goggle locked her in a clock tower, far away from the village her parents lived in. It was a very unfortunate place for anyone to be locked up for any amount of time as the tower always reminded you of exactly how long you had been captive.
As Rapunzel grew older, Mother Goggle realized that the child had a very unusual gift: Long hair. However, this was not her only gift.Her other gift was that of being great at making puns.
Which could also be perceived as a curse, depending on your taste in humor.
Every day, around 3:47 p.m., Mother Goggle would visit Rapunzel at the tower and yell out,
“Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
Rapunzel would often yell back something like:
“Don’t wig out! Give me a minute!”
“What am I? Your hairway to heaven?”
“I’d never leave you strand-ed!”
All things considered, Rapunzel was unbearable. But she had great hair and, very often, that’s 78% of the reason popular people are popular in the first place.
Mother Goggle would climb up Rapunzel’s hair to the tower every day to bring Rapunzel food and to talk with her about her day. Rapunzel knew no one other than Mother Goggle. In fact, Rapunzel thought that Mother Goggle was her own mother.
One day, when Rapunzel’s 18th birthday was approaching, Rapunzel thought she would ask Mother Goggle if she could leave the clock tower,
“Mother,” Rapunzel started, “I know that I’m just a hair-brained teenager, but I’ve always wanted to leave this clock tower–”
“No!” blurted Mother Goggle, “You’ll never leave this tower! You will stay here for as long as I say!”
Well, that was awkward.
Mother Goggle turned to leave, but realized that she needed Rapunzel’s help down the tower.
Well, this is even more awkward.
“Uh, Rapunzel, could you please help me to the ground?”
“Of course,” Rapunzel replied, “I’ve already let you down once today.”
Oh no. A hurtful pun. This was the epitome of awkward encounters.
Mother Goggle decided that she was going to get a great gift for Rapunzel for her birthday to make up for yelling at her and keeping her hostage for 18 years. So, she decided that the only thing to do would be to travel into the kingdom and go shopping for a charm bracelet or something. However, the journey would take an entire weekend, so she warned Rapunzel not to talk to strangers while she was gone.
And, as fate would have it, the prince of the kingdom was leaving for the weekend in search of a bride in the outside villages. He searched through every village, but could find no one suitable. In other words, none of the women he had met were pretty enough or had blond enough hair. Typical.
Just as he was becoming discouraged in his search, the prince happened upon the clock tower! He tried to climb up the tower in hopes of finding someone within, but the tower had been designed so that no one could gain passage from the ground.
Rapunzel watched the prince as he struggled. She thought it was kind of endearing. But he was also the first man she’d ever seen, so she put up a disinterested front. She didn’t want to go for the first guy that came along. She made him struggle all weekend at the foot of her tower, until Mother Goggle returned.
When the prince saw the cranky old lady, he ran and hid. He heard Mother Goggle yell, “Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
Rapunzel’s shiny, blond hair cascaded to the ground– almost 50 feet– as she yelled back,
“Take your time!”
The prince now knew how to gain access into the tower!
After the prince saw Mother Goggle leave that evening, he ran up to the clock tower and yelled,
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
Rapunzel’s hair fell to his feet as her voice echoed back to him,
“You figured it out! This has been the highlight of my day!”
Little did Rapunzel and the prince realize that, lurking nearby, Mother Goggle was watching this entire scene. The cranky old woman whispered to herself,
“Drat! I’ve been foiled!”
Great. Now everyone’s making puns.
The next day, Mother Goggle knew that the prince would return, for upon leaving, the prince yelled to Rapunzel, “I will return on the sweet morrow my love!” and, Mother Goggle wasn’t sure, but she thought “morrow” meant “to-morrow.”
So, the next day, like clockwork–
Crap. Now I’m doing it.
–Mother Goggle visited Rapunzel at 3:47 p.m.
However, Rapunzel did not know that, when she let Mother Goggle into the clock tower, Mother Goggle was going to tie her up and cut her hair! Now Rapunzel had short hair, which was enough to make her want to curl up and dye.
Soon after, the prince arrived and, when he yelled, “Rapunzel! Let down your hair!” Mother Goggle held Rapunzel’s hair and threw it down to the prince. When he was approaching the entrance, Mother Goggle let go of the giant clump of blond hair.
The prince fell to the ground and landed on some thorny roses below, which poked out his eyes and made him blind– proving that every rose really does have its thorn.
Rapunzel was filled with rage. She cried, “Mother! What have you done?!”
“I was trying to protect you my dear,” Mother Goggle replied.
“So,” Rapunzel replied, “You’d say you did it to shave me?”
And with that, Mother Goggle died.
She had enough of all the puns. She couldn’t handle it anymore. So, she literally died.
Rapunzel freed herself from the ropes Mother Goggle had bound her with and used them to climb down to the ground. She was free. And I think it’s safe to say that Rapunzel would never come face to face with that clock tower ever again.
Rapunzel ran to the prince, who was very upset about having his eyes poked out. He said to Rapunzel, “I am sorry! I am a terrible prince because neither can I save you, nor can I behold your beauty.”
Rapunzel replied, “My dear, love is blind.”
At that moment, one of the prince’s eyes was healed! Rapunzel’s puns had healing qualities– perhaps it was not the pun itself that had slain the cranky old woman, but the powers associated with the pun!
“Quick! Make another pun!” the prince exclaimed.
“No. I couldn’t pun-ish you that way,” Rapunzel answered.
And the prince’s other eye was healed!
When the prince saw that Rapunzel’s hair was short, he was disappointed, but she had saved his sight. So, he decided to marry her and make her princess of all the land.
And Mother Goggle’s body decomposed in the clock tower for the rest of time.
So Rapunzel lived happily ever after.
And the shallow prince was so annoyed by her terrible puns for the rest of his days, that he eventually went off
THE (DEEP) END