Once upon a time, there were three little wigs who lived in a forest.
You may wonder, “What is a little wig? Are we talking small toupees here? Or like, hairpieces that don’t fit quite correctly?” If you are asking these questions, shut up. You’re wrong.
You’ve heard of bigwigs, I assume? You know, influential people who run the economy and the stock market and avoid paying taxes for 20 years? Little wigs are the people who are only mildly influential– kind of like if you were bald and needed a toupee, but couldn’t afford one large enough to cover your head, so you just bought a little one which makes it better than being completely bald, but you still wish you could afford a toupee the right size. Little wigs are little wigs both figuratively and metaphorically.
And so, there were three little wigs who lived in corporate America. Each of the little wigs lived in the city, but after years of working, they each made enough money to move out to the country and build summer homes.
The first little wig was very lazy– which is probably why he never became a bigwig. He decided that he was going to build his summer home out of cardboard because it was cheap and because he just wanted it to be finished already. He also built it by hand, which is a dumb move because he had no background in building things whatsoever. Wigs of all kinds, big or little, rarely do.
The second little wig was also very lazy– probably the reason he never became a bigwig either. He decided that he was going to build his summer home out of aluminum foil because he believed in aliens. He had a private contractor build his home, but the contractor had never worked with aluminum foil before, so he was just guessing at this point.
The third little wig was not lazy at all– he just hadn’t become a bigwig yet because he was always picking up the slack of the other two little wigs. Picking up others’ slack was a personal problem he’d been working on since high school. He decided to build his house out of bricks, through a qualified construction company.
The first two little wigs finished their houses very quickly and spent their weekends in their homes dancing, and partying, and watching TV, and communicating with aliens while the third little wig worked very hard on looking at paint swatches and carpet samples– you know, taxing and exhausting work. The third little wig’s friends (the two other little wigs) would always come to his house and make fun of him. They’d say things like,
“Hey! Your house is made of bricks?! That’s so last season!” or,
“I bet you’ll never finish your house and then you’re going to have to put it on the market with an asking price lower than what it cost to build!” or even,
“Your house would never be featured on House Hunters International!” which was the worst and most hurtful insult of them all.
One day, while the two lazy wigs were relaxing and the third little wig was working on his house, a terrible wind began to pick up. At first, everyone thought it was just the start of a summer storm, but it turns out it was something worse. Much. Worse.
of Wall Street.
That’s right– the ultimate bigwig.
I mean, it wasn’t literally Jordan Belfort, but it WAS Leonardo DiCaprio, who played Belfort in the film “Wolf of Wall Street.” Also, that explained the big gust of wind because DiCaprio had flown in on his personal helicopter.
The three little wigs ran up to DiCaprio because they were all fans, but they were too afraid to say anything to him because now he has an Oscar, so he’s on a completely different level.
DiCaprio spoke to the three, “Because I played Jordan Belfort in the movie, ‘Wolf of Wall Street,’ I now understand how the stock market works. I know that you three little wigs are mildly influential, and so, I’d like to buy the property under two of your houses. Whichever house can withstand a bulldozer is the house which can stay.”
Leonardo DiCaprio then flew away in his helicopter as the three little wigs wigged out a little.
Not only were 2/3 of the wigs going to be summer-homeless the next day, but 1/3 of the wigs was going to be NEIGHBORS WITH LEONARDO DICAPRIO the next day. It was all too overwhelming.
The wigs worked all through the night, making sure their houses could withstand the force of a bulldozer.
The first wig used paste to glue his cardboard house to the ground, but fell asleep before he could finish.
The second wig contacted the aliens all night to ensure they would protect his house.
And the third wig finally finished his house’s construction that very night. It was a big, sturdy house made of bricks, mortar, and other things that normal houses are made of.
When morning dawned, DiCaprio returned, but this time he was riding a bulldozer.
Just as he was about to try and bulldoze the first little wig’s house, the first little wig realized that he was doomed because his house was made of cardboard for goodness sake. It doesn’t take someone with an MBA to understand that he was doomed. He ran to hide in the third wig’s house without a second thought.
After the first house was demolished, the bulldozer headed toward the second wig’s house. Just then, the second wig realized that aliens only ever abduct people at night! He knew he was doomed and ran to the third wig’s house as well.
When DiCaprio finished demolishing the second house, he realized that he had no reason to demolish the third house and that he much preferred being neighbors with the third little wig anyway since his house had nice curb appeal.
Of course the two little wigs whose houses were demolished were forced to return full-time to the city. You’ll be glad to know that the first little wig eventually climbed the corporate ladder and became a bigwig. And the second little wig eventually climbed the ladder to a UFO and was never seen again.
The third little wig just stayed a figuratively small fish in a large pond. However, as many successful businessmen do, he got married and had a family and moved out to his summer home full-time.
And once, because he lived next to Leonardo DiCaprio, his house WAS on House Hunters International.
So I can only suppose that the little wig lived happily ever after.